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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24652534">Chance and Necessity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/adr3stia/pseuds/adr3stia'>adr3stia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chance and Necessity [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hamilton - Miranda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Happy Ending, I Don't Even Know, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I promise, Implied Sexual Content, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Miscommunication, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Philosophy, Slow Burn, So much angst, There's A Tag For That, i know i made it too sad, i promise it gets happy, it gets better though, it's relevant to the story, the first seven chapters are bad, there's a tag for that too, writer didn't think could write angst but then couldn't stop, writer is very sorry, writing angst is fun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:27:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,383</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24652534</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/adr3stia/pseuds/adr3stia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A story of two souls colliding, with all the complications that follow.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chance and Necessity [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797478</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielWho/gifts">CastielWho</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John was definitely not having a good day.</p><p>He was supposed to meet Lafayette for a coffee, but, of course, the guy was fashionably late again. After sending another text that would most likely be left unread, he tucked his phone in his pocket. He started walking, wondering why he'd agreed to hang out with his very unreliable friend on a Friday instead of getting some well-deserved rest. He debated going back home, but after realizing that, if sleep may be secondary, coffee is very much not so, he headed towards the cafè. He flopped on one of the tiny chairs and quickly ordered. He was mindlessly scrolling through his texts when a call came through.</p><p>
  <em>That fucker.</em>
</p><p>"Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Lafayette, if you don't hurry the fuck up-"</p><p>"Don't full-name me, John, it's impolite. Also, I'm afraid I can't make it."</p><p>"What’s really impolite is being over an hour late only to stand me up last minute, you <em>imbécile</em>."</p><p>"I knew that teaching you French cuss words was a bad idea."</p><p>John approached the counter and paid for his coffee with a warm smile. "Betrayal aside, have you met your roommate yet?"</p><p>"Not yet, he's on his way. I hope he's not as messy as you were, <em>mon ami</em>."</p><p>He walked towards the door. "You filthy liar, you know I'm the best roommate you've ever lived with. Goodbye, you traitor, I'll stop by after lunch." He was still looking at his phone when he opened the door and-</p><p>"Watch where you're going, will you?"</p><p>The guy he'd spilled his coffee on almost yelled.</p><p>"Fuck, I'm so sorry, man, I didn't see you."</p><p>"We'd have a problem if you did." He glared at him.</p><p>"Look," he huffed, annoyed. "I said I was sorry. What, do you want me to kiss the sole of your shoe and beg for your forgiveness?"</p><p>The fucker considered it.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>John laughed in disbelief. "The fuck's wrong with you?"</p><p>"You're the one who poured his coffee on my shirt."</p><p>"And you're the one acting like a pretentious dick even after I apologized." John huffed again as the man simply shrugged, and he left without a word, purposely bumping into his shoulder.</p><p>He headed towards his house with a baffled expression on his face, thinking about the unpleasant encounter. He shook his head and hurried home, trying not to think about the rude and absolutely <em>not</em> cute stranger. He opened the door and quickly went inside.</p><p>"Hercules, you home?"</p><p>Hercules sat on the couch reading a book. He looked up, took a good look at him, and frowned. Of course, as soon as he had stepped foot in the living room, his roommate had immediately noticed something was off. "John, my boy, are you alright?"</p><p>"Quit it, Herc, you sound like my father." He grumbled and threw himself on the couch while his friend stared at him, an amused smile on his face.</p><p>"Alright," he said, putting his book down. "What happened?"</p><p>John immediately sat up.</p><p>"I met this guy at the cafè-” Hercules raised his eyebrows suggestively. John threw a pillow at him. “Stop looking at me like that, Herc, it's not what you think."</p><p>"As I was saying, I accidentally bumped into this guy and spilled half my fucking coffee on his shirt."</p><p>"And Your Majesty is upset because you didn't drink enough coffee?"</p><p>"Can I finish the fucking story?"</p><p>"No, I'm having more fun like this." John threw another pillow at him.</p><p>"Anyways, the guy was righteously pissed, so I apologized, and he just started acting like such a dick, Herc. I asked him if I had to lick the sole of your shoe and beg for his forgiveness-"</p><p>"Because you're that dramatic."</p><p>"Because I'm that dramatic, and he said yes. Can you believe that?"</p><p>Hercules looked surprised. "Seriously?"</p><p>"I was this close to punching him in front of everyone."</p><p>"I’m glad you didn't, you idiot." He got up. "How about we pay Lafayette a surprise visit and we raid his fridge? That always cheers you up."</p><p>John smiled. "You're right, it does. Besides, he deserves it, he stood me up again."</p><p>Hercules chuckled. "Bad day, huh?"</p><p>"You have no idea."</p><hr/><p>They arrived at their friend's apartment after a few minutes ˗˗ and a very threatening text to Lafayette that said "<em>watch your back, French guy, we're hungry and in a bad mood</em>". The hallway was crowded with boxes, and the door was slightly open.</p><p>"It must be Laf's new roommate, yet another mind I can corrupt."</p><p>John snorted. "Try not to scare the guy off."</p><p>"No promises."</p><p>John chuckled again as he pushed the door open and called out for his friend.</p><p>Lafayette poked his head out of the kitchen.</p><p>"I'll have you know, I'm offended by you two calling me French guy."</p><p>"I'll have you know, I'm hungry and you owe me. Now, where's your roommate? We could help him settle in…"</p><p>A figure emerged from Laf's spare room. A familiar figure with a very familiar coffee stain on his shirt.</p><p><em>You</em>.</p><p>He stopped in his tracks and smirked. John glared at him.</p><p>"Pretentious dick."</p><p>"Thales."</p><p>"No, his name is-" Hercules elbowed Lafayette, which caused him to yelp and spit a string of curses in French.</p><p>John turned to Lafayette. "Is this your new roommate?"</p><p>He nodded. "I'm confused, do you two know each other?"</p><p>"Yes. No. Sort of."</p><p>Hercules looked like he was about to start laughing.</p><p>"I need a drink," John decided, and he approached the liquor cabinet.</p><p>"It's ten in the morning."</p><p>John ignored him.</p><p>"Try not to spill it." He could hear the smirk in the stranger's voice. John silently gave him the finger.</p><p>Hercules hurriedly extended his hand towards the stranger.</p><p>"Hi, I'm Hercules Mulligan, nice to meet you."</p><p>He shook his hand. "Alexander Hamilton."</p><p>Alexander turned his head towards him. "I didn't catch your name, Thales."</p><p>"That's because I didn't throw it."</p><p>"Well, I think I'm going to need it."</p><p>"You seem to live just fine without it."</p><p>"Children, please." Said Lafayette, exasperated. "Alexander, this is John Laurens."</p><p>Alexander stared at him for a few moments. "Yeah, no, I'll just stick with Thales."</p><p>John glared at him again while Alexander simply smiled.</p><p>Sometimes chance just seems to know where and how to strike, doesn't it?</p><p>Besides, who the fuck is Thales?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! This is the first big fic I write, so constructive criticism is more than appreciated! Also, please don't google who Thales is, I'll explain soon enough, I promise.</p><p>Welcome to this trainwreck, enjoy the ride!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hercules finally burst out laughing a few moments later. John glared at him while Alexander looked at him amusedly, a hint of confusion in his eyes. Lafayette was just lost.<br/><br/>"<em>Qu'est-ce qui se passe </em>*<em>?"</em>   He murmured, mostly to himself.<br/><br/>Alexander replied without skipping a beat. " <em>On s'est rencontrés tout à l'heure, il a renversé son café sur mon t-shirt </em>**<em>.</em> "<br/><br/>"You speak French?" Lafayette asked in awe. John rolled his eyes when he realized what he'd said and only glared harder. "I didn't do it on purpose, you dick. Although I will purposely punch you in the face if you keep this going."<br/><br/>"Keep what going?" He retorted, faking ignorance.<br/><br/>John downed another finger of whiskey. Hercules sternly looked at him. "Take it easy, John," he said, carefully but firmly. John put down the glass. Then he proceeded to maintain eye contact as he took a long sip straight from the bottle.<br/><br/>"That's it, you've lost your alcohol privileges." He walked towards him and he quickly took a few steps back.<br/><br/>"You can't separate us, we're soulmates!"<br/><br/>"Who, you and Laf's whiskey?"<br/><br/>"Yes."<br/><br/>Lafayette and Alexander laughed. Hercules huffed and turned to them. "Remind me not to let him drink on an empty stomach before noon, will you?"<br/><br/>"John, <em>mon ami</em>, hand over the whiskey."<br/><br/>John pretended to be annoyed and placed the bottle on the table. "You happy now, mom?"<br/><br/>" Yes." Hercules and Lafayette said simultaneously. John snorted. "Anyways, I was promised food."<br/><br/>"I didn't promise anything, I didn't even invite you two barbarians!"<br/><br/>"Well, Herc promised me food, and you owe me, French guy."<br/><br/>"Why, what did you do?" Alexander asked.</p><p>"I might have been a few minutes late and made John mad."<br/><br/>"This bitch was over an hour late!"<br/><br/>"I'm a very classy bitch, mind you."<br/><br/>"Yo, classy bitch, you got some food? We're hungry."<br/><br/>"Actually," he said, "Alexander and I were going to go out for lunch. If it's fine for everyone, we could go together?"<br/><br/>Alexander shrugged. "Fine by me. Sure you won't mind, Thales?"<br/><br/>"Okay, first of all, stop calling me that, I don't know who that is," said John, barely concealing his annoyance, "and no, I don't mind. Unlike you, I'm a mature adult who forgives and forgets, you should try that sometime." Hercules almost laughed. <em>As if John could ever let something go so easily.</em><br/><br/>Alexander chuckled. "No thanks, it's much more fun this way."</p><p>John rolled his eyes. "So, are we going or not?"</p><hr/><p>Lunch went by quite smoothly, meaning John only wanted to strangle Alexander a couple of times.<br/><br/>A couple of dozen times.<br/><br/>"It's not my fault he's such an entitled piece of shit!" He'd told Hercules when he confronted him about the constant glaring the minute they were alone.<br/><br/>"He's actually a pretty great guy, you'd know if you stopped looking at him like he murdered your entire family and talked to him. You know, like a normal person."<br/><br/>John huffed. "I understand your point of view, but giving it's stupid, I've elected to ignore it."<br/><br/>"What happened to the 'mature adult who forgives and forgets'?"<br/><br/>"Does that sound like me?"<br/><br/>"Not by a long shot."<br/><br/>John nodded, waving his hand dismissively. "Here's your answer."<br/><br/>"You're such a child, you know that?"<br/><br/>"As a matter of fact, I do."<br/><br/>Hercules looked back at Lafayette and Alexander, caught up in a conversation with a friend a couple of tables over.</p><p>"You can't deny he's cute though."<br/><br/>John almost choked on his drink. "Is there something you want to tell me, Herc?"<br/><br/>He kicked him under the table.<br/><br/>"You know that's not what I mean."</p><p>"What <em>do</em> you mean?"</p><p>Hercules rolled his eyes. "He's exactly your type, and," he pointed his finger at him, "don't tell me the thought hadn't crossed your mind, because that would be bullshit."<br/><br/><em>Damn you for knowing me so well.</em><br/><br/>"I like them taller."<br/><br/>"No, you don't."<br/><br/><em>No, I don't.</em><br/><br/>"He's annoying, which makes him ten times less attractive."<br/><br/>"So you do think he's cute."<br/><br/>John flipped him off.<br/><br/>"John, don't do that, it's impolite." Said Lafayette, approaching them alongside Alexander.<br/><br/>"What are you, my mom?"<br/><br/>"I wouldn't have to be if you had manners, <em>mon enfant</em> *** ."<br/><br/>Alexander laughed. "You are a bit of a man-child."<br/><br/>John threw a fry at him. Alexander laughed even harder.</p><p>Lafayette lit up. "How about we give Alexander a proper welcome a la Lafayette?" John nodded enthusiastically, while Hercules groaned.<br/><br/>"Absolutely not."<br/><br/>"Wait, what's that?" Asked Alexander, perplexed.<br/><br/>"These two get drunk while I babysit them."<br/><br/>Alexander smirked. " Sounds fun, I’m in ."<br/><br/>Hercules banged his head on the table, as John laughed.<br/><br/>"We better stock up, boys," said John with a glint of mischief in his eyes, "it's going to be a long night."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>* "What's going on?"<br/>** "We met earlier. He poured his coffee on my shirt."<br/>*** "My child."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span>John opened a bottle of tequila, and all hell broke loose.<br/>
<br/>
Lafayette had stopped speaking English altogether, switching to French, and John had stopped trying to understand him after the third shot, leaving him and Alexander to their conversations. Hercules, against his better judgment, has refused his usual role as the caretaker and had started drinking. He, the lightweight, had passed out on the couch about half an hour prior. Alexander, </span><span>on the other hand,</span><span> was surprisingly sober. Maybe not exactly so, but he wasn't nearly as drunk as Lafayette - or John, for that matter - and was amusingly listening to Laf's rambling, occasionally chiming in with a noise of approval or a few words to let him know he was listening.<br/>
<br/>
Even more surprisingly, John found himself watching him, only to regret it and immediately look away </span><span>as</span><span> Hercules' words raced through his mind.<br/>
<br/>
</span><span><em>He's exactly your type.</em></span><span><br/>
<br/>
Oh, how right he'd been. John hated it.<br/>
<br/>
Although, the fact that the guy was so frustratingly rude made it easier. Maybe. Just a little. Not quite.<br/>
<br/>
Lafayette banged his </span><span>first</span><span> on the table, startling John. "Well. I'm out. Goodnight boys." He stumbled his way to his bedroom, cursing when he fell right into the wall.<br/>
<br/>
John got up. "You want some water?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander didn't reply, too busy staring </span><span>at the wall </span><span>in front of him, gaze unfocused.<br/>
<br/>
"Earth to Hamilton." He said, waving his hand in front of his face. Alexander shook his head slightly.<br/>
<br/>
"Did you say something?"<br/>
<br/>
John rolled his eyes. "I asked you if you wanted some water."<br/>
<br/>
"No, I'm good." He went back to staring in the dark. John sat next to him, looking in the same direction.<br/>
<br/>
"Anything particularly interesting on the wall that's making you stare so hard?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander turned his head towards him. "What? No, I'm just thinking, I guess."<br/>
<br/>
"The hell's got you thinking so hard at 2 am?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander chuckled. "You have no idea." He stood up. "I better get going. Goodnight, Thales." He placed his hand on his shoulder. John physically restrained himself from leaning into the touch.<br/>
<br/>
"Will you ever tell me who the guy is?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander stopped walking and crossed his arms, standing behind him. "Don't tell me you weren't curious enough to look him up, because I wouldn't believe you."<br/>
<br/>
"I did look him up." He looked at him over his shoulder. "I just didn't find anything about a philosopher from ancient Greece that even remotely resembles me."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander smirked. "Keep looking, I guess." He left the room and headed towards his bedroom without another word.<br/>
<br/>
</span><span><em>Frustratingly rude indeed.</em></span><span><br/>
<br/>
He heard the faint noise of Alexander's door closing, and the prospect of a killer hangover made him decide to head to bed as well. Of course, not before following the only rule that Lafayette had set for his parties. "The last one standing always has to leave aspirin on the table for his fallen companions," had solemnly affirmed Lafayette when they'd first started hanging out. John and Hercules had laughed it off, but no one ever dared to break the rule.<br/>
<br/>
Everybody knew aspirin was a godsend after one of Laf's parties.<br/>
<br/>
John pulled a blanket over Hercules, still blissfully out on the couch, and checked in on Lafayette, fast asleep in his room. He debated doing the same for Alexander but decided against it.<br/>
<br/>
He threw himself face-first on </span><span>the</span><span> bed </span><span>in the guest room</span><span> and fell asleep in a matter of minutes.</span><br/>
<br/>
In hindsight, he probably should have knocked on Alexander's door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>...what?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John slowly woke up. He cringed at the bitter taste of alcohol on his tongue and got up, craving coffee. The house was surprisingly quiet, which meant his friends were either asleep, out or dead.</p><p>His money was on the latter.</p><p>He walked half asleep to the kitchen and found two handwritten notes on the table. The first one was clearly Hercules’, given his clear and neat handwriting. It said:</p><p>“I’m heading back home to study, thanks for the alcohol (and the aspirin).</p><p>-H”</p><p>It took John a few minutes to decipher the messy handwriting on the other one. <em>Definitely Laf’s</em>, he thought. He’d seen a picture of cursive Russian once. It resembled Lafayette’s handwriting too much to be a coincidence.</p><p>“I’m getting breakfast. I better find coffee when I get back, fuckers</p><p>-love, Laf”</p><p>John chuckled softly and got the coffee machine starting.</p><p>
  <em>Three out of four made it out alive, not bad.</em>
</p><p>He glanced towards Alexander’s still closed door, debating whether to knock or not. He shook his head.</p><p>“Note to self,” he muttered under his breath, “leave the guy alone. He’d probably give you shit about caring anyway.”</p><p>Right on cue, the door slowly opened. A very tired looking Alexander stepped out, putting his hair up in a ponytail. “Morning.” He groggily said as he leaned onto the wall.</p><p>John was standing with his back to him. “You want some coffee?”</p><p>“Sure, I’ll just go to the bathroom first.”</p><p>A few minutes later, John was leaning on the counter sipping his coffee, a second mug sitting on the table.</p><p>About five minutes after that, he heard a loud noise coming from the bathroom. He hurried towards the room and knocked on the door.</p><p>“Alexander? Is everything alright?”</p><p>No answer.</p><p>“Alexander, I’m coming in if you don’t open the door in ten seconds.”</p><p>
  <em>1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Here goes nothing.</em>
</p><p>He slowly opened the door, glad that Alexander hadn’t locked it.</p><p>It’s safe to say he officially started panicking when he saw Alexander lying unconscious on the floor.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>Alexander didn’t remember much.</p><p>He definitely did not remember getting into bed.</p><p>
  <em>Why am I in bed, I shouldn’t be in bed, I should be at my desk, I have so much work to do…</em>
</p><p>His train of thought was interrupted by a soft voice. He caught snippets of the conversation. “<em>Laf, call me back… in the hospital, hurry.</em>” Too tired to open his eyes, he tried to recognize who was talking.</p><p>He almost smiled when he realized. <em>Thales.</em></p><p>
  <em>What is he doing here? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where am I?</em>
</p><p>He fell asleep before he could find an answer.</p><p>He slipped in and out of consciousness, always hearing John’s soothing voice speaking. At some point, he could swear he heard him say: “Please wake up, Alexander, you massive idiot, wake up.” He could swear he felt John’s hand covering his.</p><p>He convinced himself he was just dreaming.</p><p>In that same instant, John was quickly retracting his hand, wondering why he was so worried for someone who hated him so much. Wondering why he desperately wanted Alexander to wake up.</p><p>In that same instant, Lafayette had just arrived and was subtly watching them outside the hospital room. He amusingly watched John’s expression turning from worried to confused, growing more and more conflicted as he got up and retracted his hand, walking away from the bed.</p><p>He knew his friend too well not to recognize what was happening. He didn’t know Alexander well enough to predict a possible outcome.</p><p>How unsettling it was, to know one person so well, and at the same time to know almost nothing about another one. As he watched Alexander slowly opening his eyes and John rushing towards him, he could do nothing but pray that the inevitable collision wouldn’t bring casualties.</p><p>Unfortunately, prayers are often met with indifference.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oops.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander slowly opened his eyes.<br/><br/>"Where am I? This isn't my room."<br/><br/>John sat with his eyes closed on a small chair by the window. He opened them, startled by the voice, and rushed towards the bed, scowling at him.<br/><br/>"Thales, you're still here."<br/><br/>John rolled his eyes. "I'm this close to punching you in the face."<br/><br/>"I'm fifty percent sure you have a reason, although it's likely you just want to hurt me."<br/><br/>"Now, <em>mon ami</em>," said Lafayette as he entered the room, "if he wanted to hurt you you wouldn't be in a hospital, right?"<br/><br/>"Why am I in the hospital, again?"<br/><br/>"You passed out earlier today, you wouldn't wake up and I didn't know what to do, so I called 911." said John.<br/><br/>Alexander looked at him, pretending to be shocked. "You threw away your chance to kill me and get away with it? I figured you'd leave me there to die."<br/><br/>John punched his arm lightly for good measure.<br/><br/>"I deserved that."<br/><br/>"Damn right you did."<br/><br/>"Children, please," said Lafayette, "John, don't hit my nearly-dead roommate. Alexander, don't make John finish the job."<br/><br/>"Okay, I brought coffee for everyone- hey, he's alive!" Hercules stepped into the room and approached the bed.</p><p>"Hi, Herc." Replied Alexander with a faint smile.<br/><br/>"How are you feeling?"<br/><br/>"Honestly? I feel fine, I don't understand what all the fuss is about."<br/><br/>John snorted. "Well, you're clearly not fine."<br/><br/>Alexander rolled his eyes. "Didn't know you were a doctor. If I say I'm fine I expect people to believe me."<br/><br/>"Oh, so next time you pass out I should just leave you unconscious on the ground because it's normal and you're fine, right?"<br/><br/>"Alright, alright, that's enough." Hercules placed his hand on John's arm and looked at him firmly. John huffed and threw himself on the chair, staring out the window to avoid looking at his friends.<br/><br/>Lafayette hadn't missed how Alexander's eyes had followed Hercules' movement. His brows furrowed slightly, and a flash of what closely resembled disappointment ran through his eyes. Lafayette almost laughed.<br/><br/><em>He can't possibly think John and Herc…</em><br/><br/>Given how intensely he'd been staring, he did.<br/><br/>Alexander shook his head and sunk into the covers. Surprising everyone in the room, himself included, he fell asleep in a few minutes.<br/><br/>John, Lafayette and Hercules quietly left the room to let him rest.<br/><br/>"I'd stay," started Hercules, "but I have to work this afternoon and I really need to get started on a paper."<br/><br/>"I'm already half an hour late for my shift," said Lafayette, unbothered as he checked the time.<br/><br/>"You guys go, I'll stay with him. I didn't have plans anyway."<br/><br/>"Please don't bite his ear off."<br/><br/>"No promises, Herc." He winked as Hercules rolled his eyes and went back inside. He waved his friends goodbye and glanced at Alexander. "Stubborn, entitled jackass, you had me worried sick." He muttered.</p><hr/><p>Alexander's peaceful slumber was interrupted by an unfamiliar voice.<br/><br/><em>That's not Thales.</em><br/><br/>He opened his eyes slowly and saw a woman talking to John. He sat up slightly and they both turned towards him.<br/><br/>He smiled at John, who glared at him. Alexander winked, which made John glare even harder.<br/><br/>He turned his attention to the woman, who started speaking. "Hello, Alexander, I'm Dr. Schuyler. We ran some tests while you were asleep and frankly, we found nothing wrong-"<br/><br/>He looked back at John with a smug smile. "Told you I was fine."<br/><br/>"I wouldn't be so sure of that, young man."<br/><br/>"I told you you weren't," said John, mirroring his smile. Alexander rolled his eyes.<br/><br/>"You're heavily dehydrated," continued the doctor, "and the fact that you passed out this morning is at the very least concerning. You're lucky you weren't alone when it happened."</p><p>"What was that? I was right and you were wrong?" Said John, smiling.</p><p>"Piss off, Thales."<br/><br/>"Settle down, both of you. I have a few questions for you, Alexander, if you don't mind."<br/><br/>"Sure doc, hit me." He flipped John off when he heard him whisper "gladly".<br/><br/>Dr. Schuyler shook her head with a soft smile and continued. "My guess is there's something in your habits that put your body under too much stress until, eventually, it cracked. Now, we've asserted you don't drink nearly enough water, do you eat regularly?"<br/><br/>"Define regularly."<br/><br/>"At least twice a day."<br/><br/>"Can't say I do, doctor."<br/><br/>John and the doctor both frowned. "Do you get enough sleep?" Alexander opened his mouth to speak. "And don't say 'define enough', because I'm sure you know the answer."<br/><br/>Alexander smiled. "I'm a college student, doc, sleep is a concept I can't seem to understand."<br/><br/>"When's the last time you slept at least six hours?"<br/><br/>Alexander laughed. "Like I said, college student."<br/><br/>"Alexander," she spoke in a very serious tone, "how much did you sleep last night?"<br/><br/>"I didn't."<br/><br/>"So when you told me you were going to bed-" said John.<br/><br/>"I meant I'd be working on my assignments."<br/><br/>"What the fuck, dude."<br/><br/>"Language, Thales."<br/><br/>"I share the sentiment.” Said the doctor with an amused smile. “You need to take better care of yourself, Alexander, or we'll end up seeing a lot more of each other."<br/><br/>Alexander shrugged. "It's not my fault, doctor, I'm a very busy person."<br/><br/>"Taking care of yourself should be a priority. How much did you sleep this week, at least?"<br/><br/>He thought about it for a few moments. “About nine hours, I’d say? Maybe less, not so likely more.”<br/><br/>"Damn," John said. "No wonder you've been falling in and out of sleep all day."<br/><br/>"Wait, all day? Oh God, what time is it?"</p><p>"6:30," said John, puzzled.</p><p>Alexander shook his head, clearly panicking, and sat up. "I have to go home, I have so much work to do, fuck, doctor, please tell me I can go home."<br/><br/>"You're not going anywhere, Alexander. I'm sorry. We all know that if you go home now, you'll end up here again. Please try to understand."<br/><br/>"No, <em>you</em> don't understand…"<br/><br/>"Alexander." Said John sternly.<br/><br/>He huffed. "Fine. I'll behave." He turned to lay on his side so he could avoid looking at the two.<br/><br/>The doctor chuckled at his reaction. "You'll be out here soon enough, big guy, don't worry about it." Alexander grumbled. She smiled and headed towards the door.<br/><br/>"By the way," she said, leaning her hand on the doorframe. "You two make a cute couple."<br/><br/>Alexander turned so he could face her. "We're not together." He said as he pointed his finger at John. "He hates me."<br/><br/>John glared at him. "You hate me even more for that matter."<br/><br/>"That is <em>so</em> not true."<br/><br/>"You filthy liar!"<br/><br/>The doctor left just before witnessing Alexander throwing his pillow at John and then whining when he wouldn't give it back, you know, for payback.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Disclaimer: there's a pretty detailed description of a panic attack in this chapter. Please skip it if it's triggering for you or if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm putting a * at the beginning and the end of the panic attack.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander was officially going crazy.</p><p>He was confined to that damn hospital bed, and that alone was more frustrating than anything he’d ever experienced. He’d tried everything, from bribing to begging, just to convince John and Dr. Schuyler to give him something, anything he could work on.</p><p>Of course, they had forbidden him from doing anything except sleeping, eating, and talking.</p><p>The problem was, he found sleeping was incredibly boring and the food was disgusting, which left him with one single option.</p><p>It’s not like he was doing much talking anyway.</p><p>John was still sitting in his chair, purposely moved four feet away from the bed, looking at his phone in silence, probably wanting to avoid any type of contact. Alexander couldn’t help but wonder.</p><p>
  <em>Why is he still here? He clearly would rather be somewhere else, why hasn’t he left?</em>
</p><p>Desperate to break the silence and keep the question out of his mind, he spoke up, making John look up from his phone. “By the way, where did Lafayette and Hercules go?”</p><p>“They wanted to stay, but Laf had to work and Herc is so behind schedule on his assignments you wouldn’t believe it. I told them about what the doctor said and they both want to hit you with various tools. Especially Lafayette, he’s surprisingly creative.”</p><p>Alexander laughed. “And here I thought you were the only one who wanted to hurt me.”</p><p>“Okay, let’s set this straight.” Said John, stuffing his phone in his pocket and moving his chair so it was next to the bed.</p><p><em>Mission accomplished</em>, thought Alexander. <em>You idiot, you didn’t even plan that, it just happened,</em> said the one still barely functioning part of his brain.</p><p>God, he hated that little bastard.</p><p>“You keep saying I hate you,” continued John, “and you’re making it sound like I do without reason.”</p><p>“So you do admit you hate me.” Replied Alexander with a smirk.</p><p>“You know that’s not what I mean.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t hate you, I just, how do I put this nicely-”</p><p>“Don’t.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Don’t put it nicely. Say it how it is. I appreciate honesty.”</p><p>John rolled his eyes. “You acted like a pretentious dick, and you’ve been doing the same ever since. I don’t hate you, I just treat people like they treat me, and you, my man, have been treating me like shit.”</p><p>“Well if I’m so horrible, why are you still here?” Said Alexander, in an annoyed tone.</p><p>
  <em>You idiot, what are you doing? Abort mission!</em>
</p><p>John tilted his head. “You want me to go, Hamilton?”</p><p>Alexander shrugged. “I’m just saying, if I’m such a terrible person, get the fuck out.”</p><p>John stared at him, mouth slightly open. He scoffed.</p><p>“You know, if kicking me out is your way to say ‘thank you for not leaving me passed out on the floor’, you have to work on your eloquence.” He got up and grabbed his jacket. “Grow the fuck up, it’s free.”</p><p>“Why did you even help me? I sure as shit didn’t ask you to.”</p><p>
  <em>Hamilton, what the fuck?</em>
</p><p>John laughed dryly. He shook his head ad headed towards the door.</p><p>“You know,” John continued, without looking back to him, “I tried giving you a chance. I could’ve fucking left the minute the ambulance arrived, but I decided to stay with you, to keep you company, I thought <em>hey, maybe this guy isn’t too bad, maybe he was just in a bad mood</em>. Turns out this was just a waste of time.”</p><p>He left without another word.</p><p>“Great job, Alexander.” He muttered. He shot a quick text to Lafayette, telling him John had left, and he furrowed back under the covers to get some rest.</p><p>That's when John's words settled in.</p><p>"<em>I wasted my time</em>."</p><p><strong>*</strong> <em>And whose fault is that, Hamilton? Look at what you've done. Lafayette and Hercules had to come all the way here because of you. Didn't they waste their time as well? John stayed here for hours. What a waste of time it was. </em></p><p>
  <em>What a waste of time you are.</em>
</p><p>"Stop, stop, that's not true."</p><p><em>Oh but it is, isn't it? you're nothing but a waste of time and space. You</em> <em>know this Alexander, everybody does.</em></p><p>"Stop talking, make it stop." He clutched his head in his hands.</p><p>
  <em>Give it time, Alexander, give them just enough time to realize how useless you actually are, and you'll end up all alone again, just like you're supposed to be. </em>
</p><p>That's when he realized his hands started shaking. His chest felt like it was on fire, he had to focus in order to try to breathe properly. His vision got darker and darker around the edges. He shook his head and closed his eyes, trying to steady his racing train of thought.</p><p>Every time he did close his eyes, all he could see was John leaving the room.</p><p>Leaving…</p><p><em>...you. Just</em> <em>like everyone else is bound to do.</em></p><p>"Make it stop, please make it stop."</p><p>"Sir? are you alright?"</p><p>His head shot up. "Who are you?"</p><p>The man entered the room. "I'm a nurse, my name is-"</p><p>"Stay back!" Alexander yelled. "I don't know you, stay away from me!"</p><p>The man raised his hands but kept slowly walking towards the bed. "Sir, I'm here to help you, I just want to help."</p><p>"Stay right there! don't move!"</p><p>"Alright, alright, I won't move. Is there anyone I can call?"</p><p>
  <em>T</em>
  <em>hales.</em>
</p><p>He didn’t realize he'd say it out loud until the nurse promised to find him and left. He tried to slow his breathing, growing only more frustrated when he failed.</p><p>"Get it together, you idiot, get it together." More nurses approached his door. His eyes shot open wide. "Stay back! I don't know who you are, don't come near me!"</p><p>When the voice in his head and the shaking wouldn't stop, he started yelling.</p><p>If only it could all stop.<strong>*</strong></p>
<hr/><p>John stormed out of the room.</p><p>He regretted it exactly 12 seconds later. He debated going back in. "Get it together, you idiot. You can't just run back into his arms after that shit show." He murmured. He shook his head and headed towards the waiting room.</p><p>The plan was easy: leave Alexander alone for a while, let him think about how he'd acted, then come back with a truce coffee (decaf, of course, Alexander still needed to sleep). That <em>was</em> the plan if Alexander decided to cooperate. The guy was unpredictable, so all John could do was hope everything would go well.</p><p>He huffed, thinking about all the things he had said and how he had meant barely half of them. At the same time, he kept thinking Alexander deserved it.</p><p>His inner conflict on whether he'd done the right thing or not was interrupted by his phone buzzing.</p><p>"Laf, what's up?"</p><p>"Alexander texted me. Did you seriously just fucking leave the hospital?"</p><p>"Of course I didn't, I'm in the waiting room. Alexander and I got into a fight-"</p><p>A nurse rushed into the room. "Is there a Thales in here?"</p><p>John rolled his eyes. "I'll call you back." He put his phone in his pocket and approached the nurse. "My name's John, but Alexander calls me that. is everything alright?"</p><p>"Alexander's having a panic attack, says he won't let anyone in but Thales..."</p><p>John had stopped listening and had consequently started running at “panic attack”.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have no idea how hospitals work, and this probably goes against any kind of hospital protocol, so if it does, well, pretend it doesn't. For the sake of the plot.<br/>Also, I made myself sad while writing this, I'm sorry if I made you sad too.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John ran breathless inside the room, ignoring the few nurses who looked at him.<br/>
<br/>
"Alex?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander looked up. John almost wished he hadn't. His eyes were red, his cheeks tear-streaked, his hair messy, clearly showing he'd been running his hands through it.<br/>
<br/>
"You came back." He said with a sad smile. John sat on the bed beside him.<br/>
<br/>
"Of course I did. What's going on? A bunch of people are worried sick." He said smiling softly, pointing at the small crowd outside the room.<br/>
<br/>
Alexander pointed at his head. "It won't stop."<br/>
<br/>
John carefully placed his hand over Alexander's. "Whatever it's saying, it's not true. You hear me? It's all a bunch of lies. You don't have to tell me what it's saying, I don't need to know, because I already it's wrong. "<br/>
<br/>
"How do you know?"<br/>
<br/>
"Because mine has never been right once, I'm sure yours isn't different."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander lightly tightened his grip on his hand. "I'm sorry."<br/>
<br/>
"It's not your fault."<br/>
<br/>
"No, I mean…" He took a deep breath. Good sign, John thought. "Can we do this later? I'm really tired."<br/>
<br/>
"Of course." He got up and let go of his hand, heading towards the door. "I'll let you sleep."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander weakly gripped his wrist. "Please, stay."<br/>
<br/>
John smiled. "For as long as you need it."<br/>
<br/>
<em>For as long as you need me.</em><br/>
<br/>
He debated moving his chair back to its place near the window to give Alexander some privacy. Needless to say, the chair stayed right where it was.<br/>
<br/>
Just like Alexander's hand, still safely wrapped around John's as he fell asleep.</p>
<hr/><p>Alexander slowly opened his eyes. Next to him sat John, typing one-handedly on his phone. That's when he realized.<br/>
<br/>
"I stole your hand." He didn't give it back.<br/>
<br/>
John startled, clearly not expecting Alexander to wake up. He looked at him and smiled softly. "How are you feeling, Alex?" He didn't retract his hand either.<br/>
<br/>
Alexander shrugged. "I'm okay, I guess. I don't know what happened earlier, I'm sorry you had to witness that."<br/>
<br/>
John gripped his hand a little tighter. "You have nothing to apologize for. You had a panic attack, it wasn't your fault.<br/>
<br/>
"Still, I owe you an apology." He took a deep breath. "Take easy on me, I don't do this often."<br/>
<br/>
John grinned. "What, apologizing?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander glared at him. John winked.<br/>
<br/>
"Okay, here goes nothing." He looked right at him. "The day we met, I had slept a total of twenty minutes. I'd wasted my time working for hours on an essay that just wasn't coming out right and when you ran into me it all kind of exploded. I took my frustrations out on you and I shouldn't have."<br/>
<br/>
John smiled. "How the tables have turned. Alexander the Great... apologizing?"<br/>
<br/>
He grumbled. "Don't you go getting used to it."<br/>
<br/>
"Wouldn't dream of it." He smiled. "I have another question though."<br/>
<br/>
"Hit me- metaphorically, of course, please don't actually hit me, I'm injured."<br/>
<br/>
John rolled his eyes. "You're not injured, you're just stupid and inconsiderate. Anyway," he continued. "Why did you keep acting like a bitch even after your small rage outburst?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander grinned. "It got fun to piss you off."<br/>
<br/>
"Permission to hurt the injured?"<br/>
<br/>
"Permission denied."<br/>
<br/>
John punched his arm anyway. Alexander let go of John's hand and clutched his arm with a gasp. "You traitor, I said 'permission denied'!"<br/>
<br/>
"Don't tell me you didn't deserve it."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander shrugged. "So," he held out his hand. "Truce?"<br/>
<br/>
John rolled his eyes.<br/>
<br/>
<em>We held hands for half an hour, does he think I'm still angry?</em><br/>
<br/>
He shook it. "Did you just quote Call Me By Your Name?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander gasped. "You've seen the movie?"<br/>
<br/>
"A couple of times, yes."</p><p>A couple of dozen times, actually, but nobody needs to know.<br/>
<br/>
"I'm pretty sure I was crying more than Elio by the end of the movie."<br/>
<br/>
John laughed. "Didn't take you for the type of guy who cries over a movie."<br/>
<br/>
"There's more to me than you know, Thales."<br/>
<br/>
"Okay seriously, who is this dude?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander chuckled. "Isn't it more fun if you don't know?"<br/>
<br/>
John stared at him blankly.<br/>
<br/>
"I'll take that as a no." He sighed dramatically. "Fine. Thales was a Greek philosopher known for being constantly distracted, too busy thinking and theorizing to care about what was going on around him." He smirked and crossed his arms. "Just like you."<br/>
<br/>
"Once again, permission to hurt the injured?"<br/>
<br/>
"Once again, permission denied."<br/>
<br/>
Of course, John punched his arm anyway.<br/>
<br/>
"I should've seen that coming."<br/>
<br/>
"Indeed."<br/>
<br/>
"Alright, one more thing." John raised his eyebrow, waiting for him to speak. Alexander smiled shyly. "Thank you. You know, for not leaving even after I said all those things. I don't know why I did that, I get too defensive sometimes. I'm really sorry about all the shit I said."<br/>
<br/>
John smiled back. "I'm sorry about what I said too, you know? I was really angry-"<br/>
<br/>
"Righteously so."<br/>
<br/>
"Still, I overstepped. I'm sorry."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander grinned. "Look at us, not threatening to tear each other apart."<br/>
<br/>
John laughed. "Right? Who would've thought, us acting like grown adults-"<br/>
<br/>
He was cut off by Alexander throwing his pillow at him.<br/>
<br/>
"Sorry, I couldn't resist."<br/>
<br/>
"Permission to hurt-"<br/>
<br/>
"Just do it you coward, or are you too soft?"<br/>
<br/>
He was cut off by John repeatedly slapping his face with the pillow.<br/>
<br/>
"Oh, it's like that? Bring it, big boy."<br/>
<br/>
The subsequent pillow fight was unsurprisingly won by John, and it was interrupted by Dr. Schuyler standing on the doorway and clearing her throat.<br/>
<br/>
"If you two children are done, I have some good news."<br/>
<br/>
"He started it, doctor, he takes advantage of my injured state…"<br/>
<br/>
"Don't make me punch you in the face."<br/>
<br/>
"See? He's violent!"<br/>
<br/>
"Alexander, please." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Luckily for me, you can leave as soon as we finish filling out tour forms."<br/>
<br/>
"You're telling me you won't miss me, doc?"<br/>
<br/>
"I will." She smiled. "Just do me a favor, Alexander. Take care of yourself, don't make me see you again."<br/>
<br/>
"I can't promise anything."<br/>
<br/>
"He's not ending up back here, doctor, I'll make sure of that." He turned to Alexander. "I've got my eye on you, Alex."<br/>
<br/>
Dr. Schuyler smiled and left the room. Alexander was staring at him in a way that, if John hadn't known better, he would've described as awe.<br/>
<br/>
"Why are you looking at me like that?" He said, half laughing.<br/>
<br/>
"I wasn't expecting you to do that."<br/>
<br/>
"Do what, care?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander looked away.<br/>
<br/>
"Look," he sighed softly as he tried to find the words. "I know we started on the wrong foot, but it doesn't have to go on that way."<br/>
<br/>
"You're right. Besides," he smiled, "It's been fun, hasn't it?" John smiled back.<br/>
<br/>
Alexander's smile faltered with the realization. "Hold on, did you stay here with me all day?"<br/>
<br/>
"Sort of? I went back home for a quick shower and to get changed when Laf and Herc were still here, but yeah, pretty much."<br/>
<br/>
He smiled shyly. "Thank you, Thales."<br/>
<br/>
He smiled back. "Of course, Alex."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Have I mentioned how much I love them?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander had barely stepped out of the hospital when he raised his arms to the sky and yelled, "Freedom at last!"<br/><br/>John hushed him, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the parking lot to avoid the unamused stares of a couple of nurses on their cigarette break. "Stop it, you dumbass."<br/><br/>Alexander laughed. "Don't spoil my fun, we're finally free!"<br/><br/>He rolled his eyes playfully. "Show some respect, will you? These people saved your ungrateful ass."<br/><br/>"You saved my ass too, for that matter."<br/><br/>John shook his head. "No way. I did what everyone else would've done."<br/><br/>Alexander snorted. "I know a lot of people who would have gladly left me there."<br/><br/>"Yeah, well," said John, unlocking his car and opening the driver's door. "You're lucky I'm not on the list then."<br/><br/>Alexander stood in front of the car, hesitantly eyeing it from a distance. John tilted his head. "What, you're not getting in?"<br/><br/>"You don't have to drive me home, I can walk."<br/><br/>"Nonsense," John waved his hand dismissively. "Besides, we both know you'd run straight to the library to study."<br/><br/>Alexander laughed and got in the car. "Guilty." John started the engine and drove towards Lafayette's house.<br/><br/>He'd never seen anyone look so uncomfortable. Alexander fidgeted in his seat, his leg slightly bouncing as he stared out the window in a poorly disguised attempt to avoid making eye contact. John chuckled softly and spoke up. "You want some music?"<br/><br/>Alexander looked up. "Sure." John turned on the radio, watching Alexander subtly nodding along to the music. "You like Pink Floyd?" John asked. Alexander snorted. "Who doesn't?"<br/><br/>"Laf used to yell at me to 'turn off that old people crap' back when we all lived together."<br/><br/>"You used to live together?"<br/><br/>"Yep, we shared my apartment. Then Laf thought it was too small for three of us, and he was right, so he moved out. He bought that huge ass apartment but he started feeling lonely, so he got a roommate, Aaron Burr. He moved out three months later, said Laf was 'too much to handle'. I'm not going to lie, Laf was kind of hurt by that, and then he miraculously met you."<br/><br/>"Weird," said Alexander, "Burr said the same thing about me when we shared his apartment."<br/><br/>John looked at him in disbelief. "You two used to live together?"<br/>Alexander nodded. "Kicked me out three weeks ago, apparently I made him look bad in front of his friends. They're a bunch of spoiled rich bitches, so naturally, they hated me. Maybe you know them, Madison, Adams, and the worst of them all-"<br/><br/>"Jefferson." Finished John, groaning.<br/><br/>"So you do know them."<br/><br/>"Unfortunately. We share a class."<br/><br/>"Wait, do you study law too?"<br/><br/>"Against my will, but dad's paying half of my tuition, so I can't exactly refuse."<br/><br/>"I've never seen you. I met Lafayette there, and I'd seen Hercules before, but never you."<br/><br/>"That's probably because I always sit in the back, and I'm always asleep."<br/><br/>Alexander laughed. "Can't relate. I love the teacher, love the class, but hate the people. You know, if you can manage to stay awake next class you'll hear me completely dragging down Jefferson during debates. It's the best part of the week."<br/><br/>John chuckled. "That sounds priceless. I'll make an effort." He pulled over, laughing at Alexander who was dramatically swaying from side to side as the song ended. Alexander spoke up. "Thank you for everything, I owe you big time."<br/><br/>"You don't owe me anything, Alex. That's what friends are for."<br/><br/>Alexander smiled and he reached for the car handle.<br/><br/>"Wait," said John. "Can I get your number?"<br/><br/>Alexander turned back to him and raised his eyebrows. "You just go straight to the point, don't you?"<br/><br/>John rolled his eyes. "I said I'd keep an eye on you, I have to make sure you don't work yourself into a hospital room again."<br/><br/>"Didn't think you meant it."<br/><br/>John stared at him expressionlessly as he handed him his phone. Alexander added his number to the contacts and gave the phone back, quickly getting out of the car. "I'll see you around, Jackie." He smiled before closing the door and heading towards his house.<br/><br/>John started the car again, heading home. That's when it hit him.<br/><br/><em>Jackie?</em></p><hr/><p>Alexander debated going back to work. He had taken a long shower and he had let Lafayette cook some actual food for him. He had even taken a water bottle to his room, occasionally taking a few sips. He sat at his desk. "Half an hour tops, then I'll sleep."<br/><br/>Right on cue, his phone buzzed.<br/><br/>From: Unknown number</p><p>[11:06]: don't you dare even think about studying, it's 11 pm<br/>-J<br/><br/>He smiled, recognizing the stranger immediately, and typed back a response.<br/><br/>To: Jackie</p><p>[11:06]: I wasn't going to, would it hurt to trust me?<br/><br/>From: Jackie</p><p>[11:07]: why do I feel like you're lying to me?<br/><br/>He chuckled.<br/><br/>To: Jackie</p><p>[11:07]: look at you, already seeing right through me<br/>goodnight, jackie.<br/><br/>From: Jackie</p><p>[11:07]: night alex.<br/><br/>Alexander smiled and got into bed. For the first time in months, he fell asleep on his bed instead of passing out on his desk.<br/><br/>He had never really taken proper care of himself. Ever since he got admitted to college, he had always prioritized his academic results to everything else. A decent personal life, a good sleep schedule, proper eating habits just didn't seem important.<br/><br/>But things had changed, hadn't they? He'd found people who truly seemed to care about him. Lafayette, who had taken a perfect stranger under his roof; Hercules, who had quickly accepted him in what seemed more a family than a group of friends without a second thought; and finally, John. Alexander smiled at the thought. John, who he'd so poorly treated at first, and yet had never left his side as the effects of his self-destructive lifestyle finally showed. John, caring, compassionate, understanding John.<br/><br/><em>Don't screw this up, Hamilton. </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following two months tested John’s patience to an extent.<br/><br/>Between classes, assignments, and shifts at the bar, he could barely find the time to get by decently. Almost every night Hercules would knock on his door with a sandwich and a glass of water, forcing him to take a five-minute break; he'd tried to refuse, but then again, it was almost impossible to get Hercules to back off. "You can't just stop taking care of yourself because you have to study, John. I can't let you do that." He repeated every time John argued he was too busy.<br/><br/>Now, that didn't mean he wouldn't find the time to text Alexander every few hours to remind him to take a break. Despite how busy they were, they tried to see each other as much as they could, albeit often failing.<br/><br/>Still, he had taken up the habit to show up to law class with an extra bottle of water.<br/><br/>One time, Alexander had convinced him to sit in the front, next to him. "If you fall asleep, I'll pinch your arm. I can't wait to hear the next complete idiocy to come out of Jefferson's mouth."<br/><br/>He did not have to wait long, as about ten minutes later Thomas spoke up. Alexander was quick to reply, and John was completely astounded by the sight of him in combat gear. He was ruthless, spitting fact after fact, barely breathing as he listed all the reasons why Jefferson was wrong. After a good twenty minutes, Thomas reluctantly gave up, flopping back in his chair, angrily looking back at Alexander now and then.<br/><br/>Alexander, on the other hand, was confidently smirking as he slowly sipped on his water.<br/><br/>"Dude," John whispered. "That was amazing! You're like a machine!"<br/><br/>Alexander chuckled. "I hope it was worth staying awake for."<br/><br/>"Definitely, it was so entertaining. I can't believe this is what I've been missing out on."<br/><br/>"He's so angry!" Said Alexander with a smile after subtly looking back to him. "God, I love this class."<br/><br/>Thomas did look furious, harshly whispering to his friends what were most likely offensive words. John stared confused at Alexander's unbothered expression and quietly spoke up. "Doesn't it bother you?"<br/><br/>"Huh?"<br/><br/>"You do know he's talking shit about you, right?"<br/><br/>Alexander grinned. "Dude's obsessed with me." He turned to Thomas and winked at him. "Kinda like the attention, it's flattering."<br/><br/>John bitterly faked a short chuckle, quickly looking away.<br/><br/><em>So he's into verbal abuse. Good to know.</em><br/><br/>He sulked for the rest of the lesson, his gaze unfocused as he silently stared at his paper. The class was dismissed after a few minutes, and John hurriedly packed his bag, longing to get out of there as soon as possible.<br/><br/>"Do you another class now? I'm starving, we could go get lunch." Asked Alexander as they left the room.<br/><br/>"Sure, let's wait for Laf and Hercules, I'm pretty sure they're still inside-"<br/><br/>John trailed off when he realized Alexander had abruptly stopped walking. Right behind them stood Jefferson and his friends, talking loud enough for everyone to hear.<br/><br/>"Thomas, you really should put that creole bastard in his place, teach him to show some respect."<br/><br/>It all happened in a matter of seconds.<br/><br/>Alexander turned around and stalked towards the group. He grabbed Adams by the front of his shirt and pushed him against the nearest wall.<br/><br/>"Say that again, you motherfucker, say that to my face." He spat.<br/><br/>John pulled him away. "Settle down, Alex." He murmured as he thrashed to break free.<br/><br/>"Yeah, settle down, <em>Alex</em>." Said Adams mockingly as he fixed his shirt.<br/><br/>"You shut the fuck up," retorted John, "or we're going to have a problem."<br/><br/>"Are we?"<br/><br/>John huffed and he let go of Alexander, slowly walking towards Adams. "You just can't take a hint, can you?"<br/><br/>He punched him right on the nose.<br/><br/>He heard Hercules yell, "John, what the fuck?" and he felt two arms pulling him backward.<br/><br/>"Who's gotta settle down now, Jackie?" Alexander amusedly told him.<br/><br/>"Are we going to have a problem?" Asked Jefferson, stepping closer.<br/><br/>"That depends," replied John, "Are you and your friends going to keep on acting like little bitches?"<br/><br/>Thomas rolled his eyes. "John stooped too low." He said, looking back at his friend, who was checking his face for blood. "Let's just drop it."<br/><br/>Alexander was about to protest, clearly not wanting to let it go, but John admonished him with a silent look. Alexander huffed. "Fine." He said. "I'll let it slide. But if it happens even once again-"<br/><br/>"He's dead, I get it. See you in class, Hamilton." He turned around and left without another word.<br/><br/>"Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?" Asked Hercules, glaring at John.<br/><br/>"I might have overreacted." He admitted. "But he deserved it."<br/><br/>"Alexander, are you okay?" Asked Lafayette. John turned to him. He did not look okay. His breath was erratic, his gaze unfocused as he tried to steady himself.<br/><br/>"Alex, what's going on?" He put his hand on his arm.<br/><br/>"Can we go somewhere private?" He asked, apologetically looking back to their friends.<br/><br/>"Of course." He turned his attention to Hercules. "We'll meet you back at our apartment."<br/><br/>He ignored his friends' confused looks and pulled Alexander back into the now empty classroom.<br/><br/>"Alex, try to stay calm, breathe with me."<br/><br/>Alexander took a few deep breaths before collapsing against the wall and closing his eyes. "I'm so pathetic."<br/><br/>"You're not, it's just the adrenaline coming down, you're fine."<br/><br/>"Why did I even let him get to me? I should know better. And you," he opened his eyes, "why did you do that? I bet you didn't even understand why he called me that!"<br/><br/>"I didn't, but your reaction said enough."<br/><br/>"Well, why aren't you asking me to explain? I know you want me to tell you."<br/><br/>"Only if <em>you</em> want to tell me."<br/><br/>"God, why are you so nice?" He groaned, closing his eyes again. John smiled.<br/><br/>"What can I say, I'm a decent human being who cares about his friends. Seriously though," he continued, "you don't have to explain if you don't want to."<br/><br/>Alexander took a deep breath. "I don't really like to tell people, but I'm not from around here." John furrowed his brow. "I was born in the Caribbean. My dad bailed when I was ten, my mom overdosed a couple of years later, lost tracks of my brother somewhere along the way, then I somehow impressed someone important and got a scholarship here." He rubbed a hand on his face. "He has no right to say stuff like that. People like him, they get everything handed to them on a silver platter. I've worked twice as harder as he ever will, John, and he still thinks he's better than me."<br/><br/>"He's not. He never will be."<br/><br/>"How are you so sure?"<br/><br/>"Alex, look at me." He raised his head. "You're the smartest, strongest person I've ever met. I know for a fact Adams could never compare to you."<br/><br/>"I hope you know that, as much as I appreciate it, I don't believe a single word of that."<br/><br/>"You will."<br/><br/>Alexander smiled. "Will I?"<br/><br/>John nodded. "I've got my eye on you, remember?"<br/><br/>Alexander chuckled softly. "Thanks, Jackie."<br/><br/>"Will you ever stop thanking me for being a decent friend?"<br/><br/>"Probably not."<br/><br/>John smiled. "Let's get you home."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There's a little important detail in this chapter. If anyone notices let me know in the comments and I'll throw a cookie at whoever figures it out.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>edit: despite what I accidentally said in the comments of last chapter, the little detail was not john adams insulting alexander like in the musical, but it was alexander calling john by his name for the first time. I like symbolism, sue me.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as Alexander and John stepped into the living room, Hercules and Lafayette shot up. "Are you going to tell us what happened?"<br/>
<br/>
"Can you do the honors, Jackie? I'm fucking starving." Alexander said.<br/>
<br/>
"I'm sure there's something at least remotely edible in the fridge. Make yourself at home." Alexander flashed a quick smile and headed towards the kitchen.<br/>
<br/>
"So," Started John, "Adams said something really fucked up about Alex, so naturally he acted accordingly."<br/>
<br/>
"You didn't kill him, did you?" said Hercules.<br/>
<br/>
"He didn't," John reassured. "He grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him against the wall."<br/>
<br/>
"And you just stood by?"<br/>
<br/>
"Of course not, I pulled him away! But then Adams kept acting like a dick, so I-"<br/>
<br/>
"He fuckin' decked him!" said Alexander coming out of the kitchen, taking a bite of a sandwich.<br/>
<br/>
"I fuckin' decked him." Confirmed John with a smile.<br/>
<br/>
"You've gone completely crazy."<br/>
<br/>
"You would've reacted like that too if you'd heard what he said."<br/>
<br/>
"Well, what did he say?"<br/>
<br/>
John looked over at Alexander. "It's not my place to tell."<br/>
<br/>
"It's okay," he reassured with a quick smile. "I can't exactly hide this forever." He took a deep breath. "I'm not from around here, I was born in the Caribbean. I went through all sorts of stuff back there but to sum up, after losing my family, I somehow managed to get a scholarship here. Adams had the brilliant idea to call me 'creole bastard', and I just lost it."<br/>
<br/>
After a moment of silence, Lafayette spoke up. "John, why didn't you kill him? I would've killed him."<br/>
<br/>
"Can't say I disagree, you're officially forgiven. Besides," Hercules smiled, "You were due your yearly fight anyway."<br/>
<br/>
"Your <em>what</em> now?" asked Alexander, visibly confused.<br/>
<br/>
"Ever since high school," started Hercules, "John has always been involved in fights at least once a year. He never starts them, but, God knows how, he always ends up throwing hands."<br/>
<br/>
"A habit he brought straight to college," added Lafayette. "Every time word goes around there has been a fight, we just automatically assume John has something to do with it."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander laughed. "And you two are always patching him up, I suppose?"<br/>
<br/>
"No need, he rarely loses."<br/>
<br/>
Alexander turned to him again. "Won't you look at that. Didn't know you had it in you, Jackie."<br/>
<br/>
John scoffed. "Are you kidding? I was the only openly gay kid in a small town in South Carolina, I had to learn how to fend for myself." He stopped talking abruptly when he noticed Alexander's surprised expression. "And I just realized I hadn't officially come out to you." He tilted his head slightly, eyebrows raised questioningly. "Is that a problem?"<br/>
<br/>
Alexander waved his hand dismissively. "Dude, I'm into men as well, don't sweat it. Besides," he smiled. "Knowing what I know now, I'm smart enough to see I shouldn't piss you off."<br/>
<br/>
John laughed. He was about to reply when Lafayette quickly sat up. "<em>Merde</em>, I almost forgot! Speaking of gay men, John, I have this friend..."<br/>
<br/>
John groaned. "Laf, will you ever stop trying to set me up?"<br/>
<br/>
"He's a nice guy, I promise!"<br/>
<br/>
"I told you countless times, I'm fine by myself."<br/>
<br/>
"If you could just give him a chance-"<br/>
<br/>
"I'm confused." Said Alexander, and the three turned to him. "Aren't you and Herc together?"<br/>
<br/>
After a moment of silence, both John and Hercules burst out laughing. "No way, dude, he's as straight as they come. Besides, we've known each other for, what, fifteen years? It would be too weird."<br/>
<br/>
"Although there was that one time..." Hercules trailed off, tilting his head suggestively.<br/>
<br/>
"What?" Lafayette almost yelled. "What one time?"<br/>
<br/>
John had turned beet red. "We don't talk about that."<br/>
<br/>
"<em>Oui</em>, we do!"<br/>
<br/>
John huffed. "There's not much to know. We were seventeen, high, and curious."<br/>
<br/>
Lafayette stared at him, mouth open. "Why didn't I know about this?"<br/>
<br/>
"Like I said, we don't talk about it. Or so we had agreed to do." He said, and he glared at Hercules. He just shrugged. "He deserved to know." He said with a grin.<br/>
<br/>
"Yes, I did! I can't believe you didn't tell me. That's it, no Laf for two days. Out!"<br/>
<br/>
"Seriously? C'mon, you know I love you!"<br/>
<br/>
"No, you don't, out!" Lafayette grabbed them both by their shirts and ushered them towards the door. Alexander, who couldn't stop laughing, quickly said, "Bye, Herc! Bye, Jackie!"<br/>
<br/>
As soon as they were out, John shoved his friend. "Congrats, you got us kicked out of Laf's."<br/>
<br/>
"Heh, we just need to bring him wine and some chocolate, he'll forgive us."<br/>
<br/>
John laughed and they started walking home. "So," Hercules started. "I guess you go by 'Jackie' now?"<br/>
<br/>
John rolled his eyes. "I definitely do not. Alex started calling me that a couple of weeks ago and it just stuck. It's still better than Thales, right?"<br/>
<br/>
Hercules hummed. "And I take it he's 'Alex' to you now?"<br/>
<br/>
"Seriously?" John scoffed. "Look, 'Alexander' is a mouthful, I guess it slipped while we were at the hospital and since he doesn't mind, I kept calling him that."<br/>
<br/>
"You know, I think he does mind."<br/>
<br/>
"What?"<br/>
<br/>
“I noticed the pet names were going around, so a few days ago I texted Laf asking him about it, and he said that Alexander he did not like it when he called him Alex. Something is going on here."<br/>
<br/>
"Nothing is going on."<br/>
<br/>
"Don't lie to me. You're both queer, you're both cute, and you're friends, it's the perfect scenario."<br/>
<br/>
John stopped walking. "What do you want me to tell you?" He raised his arms in frustration. "You want me to say I like him? Fine, I do."<br/>
<br/>
"You do know he does too, right?"<br/>
<br/>
"Even if that were true, and it isn't," continued John, "We're finally on good terms, he's starting to trust me, I can't jeopardize that over some crush. I care about him, and right now he needs a friend, not a boyfriend."<br/>
<br/>
"But what do <em>you </em>need? You always prioritize other people’s needs to yours. Stop for a second and think about what is it that you want."<br/>
<br/>
John paused. "Right now? A drink and a break from this interrogation. I'll see you when I get home." He headed in the opposite direction towards the bar, ignoring his friend calling his name.<br/>
<br/>
Meanwhile, Alexander was pacing around his room, nervously biting his nails as certain words rang through his head.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Say goodbye to the happy part, 'cause shit's about to go down. </p><p>I apologize in advance.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander groaned as he deleted the millionth attempt to focus on with his work. He had been trying all day to distract himself; he had cleaned his room, he had gone to get groceries, he had tried to start working on his next assignment.</p><p>He hadn't been able to write more than a couple of words for over two hours, two sentences haunting him throughout the afternoon and evening.</p><p>
  <em>"I'm fine by myself."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"There was that one time."</em>
</p><p>When he found himself wondering which one bothered him the most, he realized he had no reason to be bothered at all.</p><p>That, of course, only made him more frustrated.</p><p>That was the worst part, not knowing the reason behind his frustration. He went over the words his friend had said, trying to find an answer. John had said he was happy by himself; Alexander should've been glad he was. He and Hercules had been together once, many years prior; Alexander should've been able to laugh it off.</p><p>Why couldn't he?</p><p>
  <em>But you know why, don't you?</em>
</p><p>He shook his head, attempting to shake the thought away.</p><p>Of course, he knew. He'd spent the last two months pretending he didn't.</p><p>He'd pretended that making John laugh didn't feel like an accomplishment, that he didn't have to restrain himself from smiling like an idiot every time John showed him he cared, or that spending time with him didn't make him wish to get to know him better.</p><p>But one can only go on pretending for so long. And Alexander was dangerously speeding towards the end of that line.</p><p><em>Let's be realistic, Hamilton, </em> <em>and </em><em>go over your options. First scenario: you tell him, he laughs in your face, and you lose your best friend. Second scenario: you tell him, for some mysterious reason he doesn't laugh in your face, you inevitably fuck it up going against the one thing you promised you wouldn't do, and you lose your best friend. Third scenario: you move on, you never tell him, you don't lose your best friend.</em></p><p>
  <em>Take your pick.</em>
</p><p>Choosing was easy; moving on, on the other hand, barely sounded possible. He smiled sadly.</p><p>
  <em>How do I get you off my mind, Jackie?</em>
</p><p>Suddenly, he remembered hushed words, softly spoken all those months ago as fingers quickly slipped him a note with a bunch of numbers scribbled on it.</p><p>Just in case you ever want to ease your mind a bit.</p><p>
  <em>It wouldn't mean anything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Consider it sort of a quid pro quo.</em>
</p><p>When it happened, he almost laughed. He'd saved the number, but he never thought he would take up on the offer.</p><p>Now? The idea didn't sound so crazy.</p><p>
  <em>It's the one thing you can't possibly fuck up.</em>
</p><p>Almost on autopilot, he started typing a text.</p><p><em>[2:23]: </em> <em>ik this is very random but can I come over?</em></p><p>The reply came only a few minutes later, and Alexander quickly spurred to action.</p><p><em>[2:32]: </em> <em>You know the address. See you in 10.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Everybody say "Alex, you're an idiot".</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: mentions of John's mild-not-so-mild alcohol problem at the beginning of this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John woke up to the feeling of water drops on his forehead. He opened his eyes to see Hercules squeezing a dripping towel over his head.</p><p>"Herc, what the fuck?" He quickly sat up and swatted him away, wiping a hand on his now wet face. "What was that for?"</p><p>"That," said Hercules, "was for going MIA for hours only to come back home drunk and dripping wet."</p><p>"First of all, stop yelling, I'm hungover. Also, why was I wet?"</p><p>"The Italian woman who lives upstairs didn't like your rendition of Romeo and Juliet, so she threw a bucket of water at you."</p><p>John whistled as memories came rushing back. "I'm a great singer, and that's one hell of a song."</p><p>"You can't sing for shit, although that is a great song. Now hurry up, or we'll be late for class." He threw the towel at him and made his way to the door.</p><p>"Herc, are you mad at me or something?"</p><p>Hercules stopped dead in his tracks, turning around to face him. "If I'm mad? I'm fucking furious, John, you can't just disappear!"</p><p>"Stop yelling, Herc, and yes I can, you're not my mom."</p><p>He stared at him expressionlessly. "You've got a problem, John."</p><p>He scoffed and got out of bed, looking for his clothes. "Here it goes."</p><p>"If you would just listen to me <em>once</em>..."</p><p>"We do this every time, Hercules. I'm starting to get tired of it."</p><p>"So am I, believe me..."</p><p>"Then stop bringing it up, I'm perfectly fine."</p><p>"John, you can't just turn to alcohol the minute something upsets you."</p><p>"What I do when I'm upset is <em>my </em>business. Not yours, not everyone else's. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for class."</p><p>"You can't expect me not to stop you when I can see you're ruining your life!" Hercules took a deep breath. "I don't want to fight with you, John."</p><p>John stopped and sat down on his bed. "Neither do I."</p><p>"I just... I worry about you."</p><p>"I know you do, but you shouldn't. I have it under control."</p><p>"Of course I should, you're my brother. Can you just- do me a favor, John."</p><p>"What is it?"</p><p>"Don't drink anymore this week, alright?"</p><p>John huffed. "Fine, I won't."</p><p>He smiled. "So we're good?"</p><p>"We're good." John smiled back. "Now seriously, I have to get ready. Could you make me some coffee?"</p><p>"Already filled your portable cup, it's on the kitchen table, now hurry." He left the room.</p><p>Twenty minutes later, they entered the class, and they spotted Lafayette. "<em>Bonjour</em>, boys!"</p><p>John quickly hushed him. "You're way too loud, man." Lafayette lightly punched his arm. "Hercules told me what you did last night, you massive <em>imbecile</em>."</p><p>John rolled his eyes. "Alright, I'm an idiot, let's not pretend we didn't know that." He quickly looked around. "Where's Alex?"</p><p>Lafayette shrugged. "No idea, he wasn't home this morning."</p><p>John felt like he'd swallowed a rock. "Right." He sat down, trying not to assume the worst, purposely avoiding his friends' gaze as he rummaged through his backpack.</p><p>As if on cue, Alexander entered the room. He was wearing the same clothes he'd worn the day before, a myriad of barely concealed hickeys on his neck. He smiled as he sat next to them.</p><p>"I see you kept yourself busy, <em>mon ami</em>." Alexander rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair.</p><p>"So," continued Hercules, "who's the lucky guy-slash-girl?"</p><p>"Slash-raccoon, if I may," added Lafayette, eyeing his neck. Alexander chuckled. "It doesn't matter."</p><p>"Yes it does, finally someone in the group gets some action, we want to know." John didn't say a word as Lafayette and Hercules tried to get information from Alexander, who stubbornly wouldn't cave in.</p><p>A few minutes later, the door opened again.</p><p>It's funny how sometimes fate just seems to know what strings to pull to make us feel like our world is tumbling down. It's almost like it has studied us enough to know where, when, and how to strike so it can make the most damage possible.</p><p>And damage was made, as John watched Thomas entering the room, sporting a few hickeys as well. He glanced over at Alexander and walked towards his seat. The two locked eyes, challengingly waiting for one of them to look away first.</p><p>Thomas did so after a few seconds, smirking confidently as he sat down. Alexander turned back to his friends, matching expression on his face.</p><p>"No." Said Hercules and Lafayette at the same time, both in utter disbelief.</p><p>
  <em>God, please, no.</em>
</p><p>"So, what, are you two a thing now?" Asked Hercules.</p><p>Alexander snorted. "Yeah, right. I just needed to take my mind off things. It didn't mean anything, and I don't exactly want it to happen again."</p><p>He looked over at John, who still hadn't spoken a single word. "Are you okay over there, Jackie?"</p><p>"Yeah," he quickly answered, trying to sound as convincing as possible. He even managed to smile. "I'm a bit hungover, but I'll be fine."</p><p>"Rough night, huh?"</p><p>He chuckled dryly. "You could say that."</p><p>Hercules was looking at him, clearly worried. He ignored him.</p><p>Class started after a few minutes, but John couldn't bring himself to pay attention.</p><p>Longing to go home, he considered his options.</p><p>
  <em>I could pretend to be sick.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nonsense, they'd be suspicious.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I could just not say a word and leave.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dude, it's like you want him to know you're upset because he slept with Thomas!</em>
</p><p>He froze, the reminder making his breath catch up in his throat.</p><p>He knew he shouldn't overthink it too much. Still, he couldn't help but wonder.</p><p>
  <em>Why him? Why, out of all people, him?</em>
</p><p>He shook the thought away and went back to analyzing his options.</p><p><em>The third option's the most reasonable: you stop sulking and wait for class to end, you go home, you open up a beer or two to forget about it all</em>.</p><p>The minute the professor dismissed the class, he hurriedly left the room, claiming to be late for his shift.</p><p><em>It's not like he's going to remember I don't work on Thursdays, </em> <em>right?</em></p><p>When Hercules got home, about ten minutes after John, he found him lying face-first on the couch.</p><p>"You're allowed to have a beer."</p><p>"I've already had two."</p><p>He sat down next to him. "I'm sorry, John."</p><p>"You know," he said as he sat up. "I wouldn't have been so upset if he'd slept with literally anyone else. But him?" He shook his head. "It doesn't make any sense."</p><p>"I know, I was surprised too."</p><p>"Yeah well," he got up, collected two more beers and some food, and headed towards his room. "It is what it is."</p><p>Hercules grabbed his wrist. "John, I know you're upset, but-"</p><p>"Herc, please. Don’t."</p><p>He sighed and let go of him, watching him as he locked his door.</p><p><em>He'll be out there soon enough</em>, he thought.</p><p>He prayed it wasn't just wishful thinking.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>New drinking game: take a shot every time ale makes John sad.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Disclaimer: this chapter describes John's very unhealthy coping mechanism. Mentions of alcoholism and depressive episodes. I know, I make him suffer too much, I'm sorry too. I promise it'll get better. Eventually.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander was officially starting to worry. When, hours later, John didn't text him or answer his texts, he thought he was just busy.</p><p>
  <em>It doesn't matter John doesn't work on Thursdays, right? Maybe he's busy with something else.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Or maybe he's avoiding you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pull yourself together, Hamilton, not everything is about you.</em>
</p><p>For the first time in months, he found himself going to sleep without one of John's reminders. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, but something about that wasn't sitting right with him.</p><p>The next day, when he saw Hercules come to class, alone and looking disheveled, he asked about John.</p><p>"John? Oh, he's not feeling well, he'll be back soon."</p><p>Two days later, when both Hercules and Lafayette would only evasively answer his questions on why John wasn't answering his calls and texts, he snapped.</p><p>"You're hiding something." He pointed his finger at Hercules. "You look like you haven't slept in days, and you," He turned to Lafayette. "You're barely even home anymore. Something's wrong."</p><p>Lafayette sighed. "Herc."</p><p>"Forget it. Everything's fine, Alexander."</p><p>"I know a lie when I see one." Alexander insisted.</p><p>"Hercules."</p><p>"Fuck off, Laf, I said no."</p><p>"Hercules, we clearly can't do this alone."</p><p>"Can't we? Three years it's been just the two of us, and we've always managed just fine."</p><p>"Have we?"</p><p>"Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on?" Alexander yelled. He sighed. "Look, I just want to make sure he's okay."</p><p>Hercules laughed dryly. "You want to know if he's okay? Fine. Laf, you tell him. You do the honors."</p><p>Lafayette took a deep breath. "Ever since I've known him, and even before that, John has tended to push people away when something upsetting happens. Usually, he doesn't leave his room and drinks for days. We always try to convince him to get out, but we have never once managed to. When he does go out, it's on his terms."</p><p>Alexander's eyebrows shot up. "He just drinks for days?"</p><p>Lafayette nodded. "It's his way of handling things."</p><p>"How is it possible that you can't do anything about it?</p><p>Hercules snorted. "That fucker is smart even when he's drunk. He knows our schedules, he comes out of his room only when he knows I'm either asleep or not home. I'll save you the trouble, Alexander, don't start trying to figure out a way to help him from the outside. You can't. We've tried everything."</p><p>"Hercules may get way too pessimistic sometimes, but he's right this time."</p><p>Hercules nodded. "Last time it happened, we tried locking the liquor cabinet. He slammed through it with his elbow, got dozens of glass shards in his skin. Another time, after we threw away all the alcohol we had, we hid his shoes. We knew he would try to leave the house and buy more." Hercules took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face. "He got some guy to deliver him drugs. I was the one who found him half-dead in the bathroom. All we can do is act normal, wash his clothes, bring him food like he isn't destroying himself in his room."</p><p>"The worst thing is," continued Lafayette. "We never know how long he stays spiraling. When his mom died, he didn't leave his room for a month. When he got broken up with, he spent two weeks inside and three months just sulking around."</p><p>"What usually gets him out of his room?"</p><p>"He does something that gets him into a hospital room, either with something along the lines of the cabinet accident or he gets one drink too close to alcohol poisoning. Once the doctors let him go, he's as good as new. Do you remember your doctor, Angelica?"</p><p>"Dr. Schuyler?"</p><p>"We became friends because of how often John got himself hospitalized during these things."</p><p>Alexander whistled. "Alright, what can I do to help?"</p><p>Hercules laughed. "I thought you'd be running for your life by now."</p><p>"He did the same for me. I'm not going anywhere. What can I do to help?"</p><p>"Try to talk him into leaving his room, or at least try to make sure he doesn't go too far with the self-destruction."</p><p>"Sure, I can do that."</p><p>"It won't work."</p><p>"Let him try, Hercules."</p><p>"I will, but it won't work."</p><p>"I can't live with myself knowing I haven't tried."</p><p>"You can play the hero all you want, Alexander, but this is bigger than you." He left without another word.</p><p>"Please don't be mad at him." Quickly said Lafayette.</p><p>"I'm not."</p><p>"I know you are, Alexander, but don't take it personal."</p><p>"He just told me he doesn't trust me. I'm allowed to take it personal."</p><p>"He does." Lafayette took a deep breath. "About a year after I met them, back when we all still lived together, John's mother died. I'd never seen him like that before and ˗ just like you ˗ I wanted to help."</p><p>"What did you do?"</p><p>"For the first week, nothing. I couldn't do anything. Hercules would sleep on the floor outside John's room to make sure I wouldn't get close. One day he realized he couldn't handle it alone, and he let me help. He trusts you, Alexander, but he's scared."</p><p>"But he knows I care about him."</p><p>"Hercules has had to witness John get hurt too many times. He'll do everything he can not to let it happen again. He's incredibly protective of him. Please try to understand that."</p><p>Alexander sighed. "Let's just go and talk to him."</p><p>They walked to Hercules' house in silence. As soon as they knocked on the door, he opened it and pulled Alexander in a crushing hug. "I'm so sorry about what I said."</p><p>"It's okay, Herc." He patted his back lightly. "You're worried, I get it. We all are. You don't have to apologize."</p><p>"I do have to apologize. When it comes to John, I tend to get a bit too overprotective. But I trust you, Alexander, and I know he does too. Good luck."</p><p>Alexander smiled. "Thank you for letting me do this." He was heading towards John's room when he stopped and turned around. "I still have a question. Do you guys have any idea what's upsetting him?"</p><p>The two looked at each other. "Not really." Said Hercules with a small shrug.</p><p>"Maybe something's going on at home." Added Lafayette.</p><p>Alexander nodded. "He did mention things weren't going well."</p><p>"Hold up, you two talk about his family?" Asked Hercules, genuinely surprised.</p><p>"Yeah, sometimes. Why?"</p><p>"Nothing." Hercules smiled softly. "It's just- it takes him a long time to open up about his family."</p><p>"I don't even know his sister's name." Said Lafayette. "I just know he has one."</p><p>Alexander chuckled.</p><p>"Now go. Remember, go easy on him."</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>As soon as he made sure Alexander couldn't hear them, Hercules turned to Lafayette. "You do know, right?"</p><p>"His sister's name? I swear to you, I don't."</p><p>"Not that, you idiot, I meant the reason why he's upset."</p><p>"I think everyone knows. Except Alexander, obviously."</p><p>He huffed. "Do you really think he can help him? He doesn't even know he's the reason behind this."</p><p>"Honestly?" He looked at his friend. "I do. I don't know how, but I have faith."</p><p>Hercules nodded slowly. "You're right." He scoffed. "I still can't believe he talks about his family. They're a weird pair, aren't they?"</p><p>"And yet they work."</p><p>Hercules sat on the couch, already wishing Alexander would already come out of John's room.</p><p>"That they do."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ladies and gentlemen... the moment you've been waiting for...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander knocked on the door.</p><p>“Go away, Herc," John said, his voice muffled.</p><p>"Try again." He replied.</p><p>John went silent. "Alex?"</p><p>"Hey, Jackie." He couldn't fight back a smile. "You going to let me in?"</p><p>"No." His voice was louder. He'd probably stepped closer to the door.</p><p>Alexander frowned. "Why not?"</p><p>"Because you'll ask me to get out of this room, and I don't wanna."</p><p>Alexander closed his eyes and bit his lip in thought. "How about I join you in there? I bet you could use some company."</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, I'm going to regret this.</em>
</p><p>John went quiet, probably considering the offer. "Are you alone?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Are you telling the truth?"</p><p>"Of course." He quickly replied. "I'd never lie to you, Jack."</p><p>He heard the faint noise of the door opening. Before he could register what was happening, John was pulling him inside, swiftly closing the door behind him.</p><p>He first noticed his eyes, glazed and unfocused, and the dark circles under them, deep enough to tell he hadn't been sleeping much. His cheeks were flushed, and so was his chest.</p><p>
  <em>He's shirtless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why the hell is he shirtless?</em>
</p><p>He quickly looked up, praying John hadn't caught him staring. "I missed you, Jackie." He said with a smile.</p><p>"No, ya didn't."</p><p>Alexander furrowed his brow. "Why wouldn't I?"</p><p>John threw himself on his bed. "Got- you've got plenty a' company even if I'm not around." His southern accent, always carefully concealed, was blatantly showing itself. Alexander loved it.</p><p>"I doubt anyone could ever compete with my best friend."</p><p>John snickered. "'M not your best friend, stop lying."</p><p>"I'm not. I'd never lie to you, remember?"</p><p>John didn't look convinced as he nodded absentmindedly. "How's Thomas?"</p><p>Alexander snorted. "You go missing for two days, and you ask about <em>Jefferson </em>of all people?" He shrugged. "Why should I know? It's not like we're close."</p><p>"I don't know," said John, voice dripping with sarcasm, "Last time I checked, you two were pretty fuckin' <em>close</em>."</p><p>Alexander rolled his eyes. "I told you, it didn't mean anything. Can we stop talking about my mortal enemy now?"</p><p>"Mortal enemy, huh?" John chuckled, hollow and bitter. "You're such a fuckin' hypocrite, Alexander."</p><p>"Excuse me?"</p><p>"I'm sure you heard me loud and clear."</p><p>"Jackie, what's-"</p><p>"That's not my name."</p><p>Alexander stared at him in shock. "Is something wrong?"</p><p><em>What a stupid question</em>, he thought as John burst out laughing. "No, Hamilton, everything's perfectly fine."</p><p>"Don't call me that."</p><p>"I won't." John stared at him. "Hamilton."</p><p>Alexander sighed. "Did I do something?"</p><p>"I don't know, did you?"</p><p>"Cut it out." He barked. "I know you. You're trying to piss me off to make me leave. Well, guess what. I'm not going anywhere." To prove his point, he sat down on the floor.</p><p>John scoffed. "Get up, Alexander."</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>"You're acting like a child, you know that?"</p><p>"Maybe." He held his gaze. "But I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."</p><p>"Enough with the bullshit." He slid down from the bed to sit on the floor as well, a few feet away from Alexander. "You know damn well what's wrong."</p><p>"I don't, Jackie."</p><p>"Stop calling me that, for fuck's sake!"</p><p>"Just tell me what's wrong. I want to help."</p><p>John laughed again. It didn't sound like him at all. Alexander hated it. "You want to help? Fine. Here's my problem." He stood up and headed to his bedside table. He grabbed a half-empty bottle. He took a long swig and spoke up. "My problem is you know exactly what my problem is, and yet you come in here, you play dumb, and you expect me to tell you what you already know!" He had never heard John yell like that before.</p><p>"I have no idea what you're talking about!"</p><p>"Yes, you do. I'm sure Hercules and Lafayette filled you in soon enough. Stop lying, Alexander!"</p><p>"I'm not fucking lying! Just tell me why you're hiding in here!"</p><p>He took another sip straight from the bottle. "You know damn well it's because you slept with that heartless piece of shit!"</p><p>Alexander froze as the realization dawned on him. John kept talking.</p><p>"I couldn't stand seeing you after that, because now all I can do is wonder what is so <em>wrong </em>with me that you'd rather sleep with someone who despises you! You happy now? You got your ego stroked, now get the fuck out, and let me-"</p><p>John got cut off by Alexander surging forward, grabbing his hips and kissing him.</p><hr/><p>Hercules was nervously pacing around the room when he heard John and Alexander raising their voices.</p><p>"They're yelling, Laf, I'm going in."</p><p>"Sit down, my friend."</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"Hercules." He stared at him. "He's angry. Usually, he's catatonic, lying in bed, barely breathing, but if he’s yelling it means he isn’t. He might snap out of it when they've finished talking. We shouldn't interfere."</p><p>"Well, what if he hurts Alexander? He's not lucid."</p><p>Lafayette raised an eyebrow. "We both know he wouldn't lay a finger on Alexander."</p><p>Hercules sighed. "You're right. It's just so frustrating, not being able to help."</p><p>"I know, <em>mon ami</em>. Try to be patient."</p><p>And he was patient ˗ for about five minutes.</p><p>"That's it. I'm going in."</p><p>As he approached John's room, he heard the faint noise of the lock.</p><p>He stopped walking, confused. "They locked the door." He turned to Lafayette, who looked at him suggestively. He rolled his eyes. "Get your mind out the gutter, Laf, this is John we're talking about. I'm sure they're not-"</p><p>An unmistakable noise came from the bedroom.</p><p>"Yup, they definitely are, let's get the fuck outta here, my friend."</p><p>"Finally! Took them both long enough!" Lafayette yelled, laughing as Hercules dragged them both out of the house.</p><p>Hercules grumbled, pretending to be annoyed. He smiled softly.</p><p><em>Fuckin' finally </em>indeed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yay... right?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John reluctantly opened his eyes when the sunlight streaming through the blinds hit his face. He rubbed at his eyes, groaning when he felt his head explode with a very predictable headache. He smiled, memories of the night before rushing back, and he looked to his side, only to find the bed empty.</p><p><em>Maybe he's having breakfast</em>.</p><p>He slowly got up, grimacing at the too-familiar taste of alcohol on his tongue. He sleepily walked to the kitchen, but Alexander was nowhere in sight.</p><p>"Alex?" He called out, receiving no response.</p><p>He quickly searched the rest of the house before realizing Alexander had left.</p><p>He went back to his room, his gut twisting with uneasiness.</p><p>He tried to stay positive, thinking that maybe they needed him at work, and he checked his phone for messages.</p><p>
  <em>[Herc]: I'll be spending the night at Laf's so you two can have some privacy.</em>
</p><p><em>[Laf]: have fun </em><em>my</em> <em>kids ;)</em></p><p>Not a word from Alexander.</p><p>He rolled his eyes at Lafayette's text and called Hercules.</p><p>Unexpectedly, Lafayette answered. "Good morning, loverboy!" He heard some rustling and a muffled "<em>give me the damn phone</em>" before Hercules said, "Sorry. What's up?"</p><p>"Is Alexander with you guys?"</p><p>"What? No, we thought he was with you."</p><p>"Yeah, well." He laughed bitterly. "He's not."</p><p>Hercules went quiet as the realization hit him. "John, I'm so-"</p><p>He chuckled dryly and hung up, throwing his phone on his bed.</p><p>
  <em>He left.</em>
</p><p>He sat down on the bed and took his head in his hands, reminiscing everything he had said the night before.</p><p>
  <em>You should be ashamed of yourself, what were you thinking? You know you shouldn't be so open with people. You know better than to let people in so quickly.</em>
</p><p>He stared at the empty bottles on the floor. Truthfully, he wasn't ashamed.</p><p>
  <em>Why should you be? You did nothing wrong. Alexander, on the other hand, treated you like a toy.</em>
</p><p>He remembered something Hercules had told him what seemed like centuries before. He had been picked on by some bullies again, thus resulting in another black eye and bruised ribs.</p><p>
  <em>I don't understand why you don't fight back, John! You let everyone treat you like a goddamn toy! Is that all you are? A toy one can use and throw away?</em>
</p><p>He grabbed the nearest bottle and smashed it to the ground.</p><p>He had sworn to himself he would never have let someone walk all over him. He thought fair, barely fair, fulfilling that promise now.</p><p>He quickly got dressed and stormed outside. He knew exactly where to find him. "You'll regret this, Hamilton." He murmured. "So help me God, you will."</p><hr/><p>Alexander slowly opened his eyes to an unfamiliar room. He rolled to the side and saw John was still fast asleep. He smiled as he brushed a strand of hair out of his face, careful not to wake him up. John only stirred slightly in his sleep, subconsciously moving closer to him. Alexander's heart swelled as he stared at him.</p><p>John, <em>his </em>John, who had made such a bad mistake, who deserved the world, was sleeping next to <em>him</em>, who had nothing to give to him.</p><p>He recalled that, when he first met him and his friends, he almost couldn't believe they were making efforts to include him in their dynamics. It just didn't make sense in his eyes that these three people had <em>wanted </em>him in their little group, a group that was more a family anyway. He hated the thought that someday they would have realized all of it had been useless.</p><p>Deep down, he knew that, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, he would always be the little broken boy that was just too difficult to fix, too much to handle, and not even worth the effort. No matter how much he tried not to think about it, it was inevitable that, sooner or later, everyone would have realized what he had dreaded to admit.</p><p>What scared him the most was that, inevitably, even John would have realized he was nothing but a broken shell who liked to pretend to be whole, and that he wasn't worth any more than that.</p><p>The mere thought of it made him spur to action.</p><p>Slipping out of the covers was easy, almost like muscle memory; retrieving his clothes in complete silence was just as easy.</p><p>Looking at John as he did so was probably one of the hardest things he had ever had to do.</p><p>He stopped to look at him again. John hadn't moved much, besides furrowing in his covers for warmth. Alexander couldn't resist.</p><p>He approached the bed silently and softly kissed his forehead. "Forgive me, Jackie." He whispered, stroking his hair. "But I can't let you waste your time on me. We both know you'd regret it."</p><p>He looked back at him one last time before quietly opening the door.</p><p>"When you find that someone who will give you all you deserve, love them like you could have loved me."</p><p>And with that, he was gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I made myself cry while writing this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John stormed outside his house. He walked almost on autopilot, knowing Alexander's schedule almost better than he did his own. He ignored the throbbing headache and all the signs of his massive hangover. It was like there was somewhat of a spark in his chest, growing and fuelling with anger, canceling out all the rest. He couldn't stop almost obsessively thinking about what had happened as a dreadful feeling of regret grew inside him.</p><p>He regretted every single word he had said, and yet he felt like somehow that wasn't the worst part. It's not like he could have kept it from him forever.</p><p>As much as he wished he didn't, he regretted kissing Alexander back. He had tried to convince himself that there was no way he could have known Alexander was going to sneak out, he had desperately clung to the unpredictability of Alexander and his actions. The truth was he should have known better than that. Because deep down, he knew what he truly repented the most was giving him his trust so easily.</p><p>But who could blame him? Alexander had come into his life so quickly, so powerfully, almost ruthlessly. John had felt himself drawn towards him immediately. Despite his desperate attempts to keep him away from the walls he had carefully built, trauma after trauma, failure after failure, regret after regret, Alexander had somehow managed to slip past his defenses.</p><p>And John, poor, naive John, had fallen so quickly, so powerfully, almost ruthlessly, in spite of himself.</p><p>He'd be lying if he said he hadn't imagined a life with Alexander. He wouldn't go as far as thinking of forever, he knew better than <em>that </em>at least, but he had pictured how his current life would be with Alexander by his side. As pathetic and pitiful as that sounded to him, he found himself longing for it.</p><p>But that ship had sailed now, hadn't it?</p><p>Alexander himself had lifted the anchor.</p><p>He found him exactly where he thought he would be. He was wearing the same clothes he'd worn the night before, his long hair up in a loose ponytail. He was talking to a girl John had never seen before, the two standing close with familiar ease. The sight made his insides twist with unexpected and unwanted jealousy. He pitied himself for his reaction, aching to let it all out.</p><p>He spurred to action, his feet moving towards him in broad strokes almost to their own accord.</p><p>"Hamilton." He heard himself say, bitter and stern.</p><p>Alexander turned around to face him, the expression in his face shifting from clueless to nearly terrified when he saw him.</p><p>"John, baby, I'm so sorry, let me explain-"</p><p>John shook his head and scoffed at Alexander's panicked and desperate attempt to apologize. He hadn't come there for an explanation, Alexander had made his point clear enough.</p><p>It all happened in a matter of seconds.</p><p>John punched him once, twice, until Alexander was on the ground. He straddled him before he felt two pairs of arms pulling him away, a familiar voice whispering to calm down. He fought against the restraints, eager to hit him again, as he watched the girl helping Alexander up. His nose was bleeding, and yet Alexander didn't seem to mind. He stared at him, almost waiting for him to speak. John had never seen Alexander so silent, despite being so anxious to explain himself all but a few seconds before. John scoffed again.</p><p>"You once told me you appreciate honesty, so I'll be honest with you. You come near me again, you're dead. You understand me?" He yelled. "You're a dead man walking, Hamilton!"</p><p>He kept staring at him silently. If John hadn't known better, he would have said Alexander was ashamed to speak. Around him, everyone had gone quiet and were avidly watching the scene. Among them, John saw Thomas, staring at Alexander with what looked like worry to John. He laughed dryly and turned to him.</p><p>"You don't have to worry about your boy toy, Jefferson. He had it comin' anyway. Besides," he turned back to Alexander. "He's all yours now." He spat, voice empty and bitter.</p><p>He broke free and walked away without another word, ignoring his friends calling his name behind him.</p><p>He was satisfied now.</p><p>Right?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Everybody give John a hug and say fuck you ale this is sad</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Eliza, stop fussing over me. I'm fine."</p><p>She tried to wipe at his bloody nose with a tissue, but he stopped her, taking the cloth from her and gently dabbing at his face.</p><p>"I'm pretty sure he broke your nose, Alexander. You should go to the hospital."</p><p>"Hell no." He replied. "I would only waste precious time. It'll heal."</p><p>"Let me at least take you to my sister. She's a doctor, and she's not working today."</p><p>"I'm sure the last thing she wants to do on her free day is fix up another dumbass who made an irreversibly bad decision and paid the price."</p><p>"What did you even <em>do </em>to him?" She asked. "I'm sure it wasn't that bad."</p><p>"Trust me, it <em>was</em>. You don't want to know."</p><p>"Well, we're going to my sister's. And I'm not taking no for an answer. Let's go."</p><p>He reluctantly followed her to her car, complaining for the whole ride in a desperate attempt to convince her that a ride home would suffice.</p><p>If he still had a home, that is. He dreaded the thought of facing Lafayette again. He wouldn't have been surprised to find a box with his belongings sitting on the sidewalk outside his home.</p><p>A few minutes later, they were both standing in front of a huge house when Eliza rang the doorbell. A familiar face opened the door and stared at him.</p><p>"Alexander?"</p><p>"Doctor?"</p><p>Eliza furrowed her brow in confusion. "You two know each other?"</p><p>"He worked himself into a hospital room, and I was his doctor. What the hell happened to you?" She let them both in and sat him down on a chair. "Eliza, get me the first aid kit, it's in the bathroom."</p><p>As soon as Eliza was gone, she spoke up. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"</p><p>Alexander stared at the wall in silence. "I did something I shouldn't have done, and I paid the price."</p><p>Eliza emerged a few seconds later. "He won't say anything about what happened, Angelica, don't even try."</p><p>"Is that so?" She crossed her arms. "I refuse to treat you until you tell me what happened. Now, we both know your nose is broken and hurts like a bitch, so I hope you set your priorities straight soon."</p><p>Alexander sighed. "Fine. What do you want to know?"</p><p>"First of all, who hit you?" She said, starting to clean him up.</p><p>Alexander looked away. "Laurens."</p><p>Angelica stopped her movements and stared at him for a few moments, eyebrows raised in surprise.</p><p>"You're kidding. <em>Your </em>Laurens did this?"</p><p>Alexander rolled his eyes. "I would hardly call him <em>my </em>Laurens."</p><p>
  <em>Not anymore, at least.</em>
</p><p>"Why would he hit you? Last time I saw you, you two were all over each other."</p><p>"Okay, first of all," he pointed his finger at her. "We weren't. Last time you saw us, he hated me."</p><p>"You mentioned that," she nodded thoughtfully, "yet I seem to recall he stayed by your side the whole day. I wouldn't do that to someone I hated."</p><p>He looked away. "Yeah, well, he hates me now anyway."</p><p>"What did you do?" The sisters said simultaneously.</p><p>He fidgeted slightly in his seat. "You're both going to hate me for this. Well, a few nights ago I realized my feelings for John weren't strictly-"</p><p>"Platonic?" suggested Eliza.</p><p>"To be fair, Plato stated that love was physical too, not just spiritual like-"</p><p>"Alexander." Angelica interrupted him, an annoyed expression on her face. "We're not here for a philosophy lesson. We're here to find out what you did to piss off John."</p><p>He rolled his eyes. "As I was saying, when I realized the nature of my feelings, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose my best friend over some crush, and I thought he could never return my feelings, so I felt like the best thing to do was move on."</p><p>Angelica looked at him, realization dawning on her. "Alexander, if you're about to tell me you slept with the first person available instead of facing your feelings like a mature adult, I'm kicking you out."</p><p>"I'll get my coat."</p><p>"Stay where you are, Alexander, please." Said Eliza.</p><p>"I never thought I'd be asking this to anyone, but who did you sleep with?"</p><p>He stared at the ground in shame. "Jefferson."</p><p>"What?" They both said, expressions of exasperated confusion on their faces.</p><p>"I thought you hated him." Said Eliza.</p><p>"I do," he quickly clarified. "He had made it clear that he was open to the possibility of something meaningless, and that's what I thought I needed."</p><p>"So John found out and, given he hates him, he hit you?"</p><p>"Not exactly."</p><p>"Good Lord, Alexander." Eliza sighed, sitting down. "This is a rollercoaster."</p><p>"He got... upset, to put it lightly."</p><p>"Oh God, no. Alexander-"</p><p>"I know, okay? I know!" He hurriedly said. "I didn't think it would affect him this much. Hell, I didn't think it would affect him <em>at all</em>."</p><p>"Can someone tell me what's going on?" Asked Eliza, confused.</p><p>"John has this very unhealthy coping mechanism," started Angelica, "He spends days, even weeks, sulking and drinking in his room. Most of the time, he gets himself hospitalized. That’s how we became friends, actually. Had to patch him up so many times I ended up liking the guy."</p><p>"He was doing just that, so Lafayette and Hercules asked me to talk to him, and I did. He accidentally told me my feelings weren't one-sided and, well," he smirked. "You can imagine the rest." Angelica rolled her eyes. "But then... I did something I shouldn't have done."</p><p>He went silent. "You didn't <em>leave</em>, did you?" Alexander didn't reply.</p><p>"You idiot." Eliza glared at him.</p><p>"I told you I deserved it."</p><p>Angelica stayed silent. "You're not going to kill me?" Asked Alexander in a slightly amused tone.</p><p>"I won't have to. You're already dead."</p><p>"John did mention that. I've never seen anyone look so angry." Said Eliza.</p><p>"Oh, John's not going to kill you." Quickly added Angelica. "Hercules will."</p><p>Alexander scoffed. "No way. Lafayette might kick me out, but we're friends, Hercules isn't going to kill me."</p><p>"I know those boys better than anyone," said Angelica. "Even better than you do. John is completely off-limits, you need to give him some time and space before even considering talking to him again. Lafayette would never kick you out. He doesn't have it in him to hate people - besides, if you give him a good explanation behind your decision, he might help you. But don't even bother lying, he'll see right through the bullshit." She looked at him sternly. "Hercules is a whole other story. John's family sucks-"</p><p>"I know," Alexander said. "He told me."</p><p>Angelica's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "He talks to you about his family?"</p><p>"Why is everyone so surprised about that? He's my best friend, he trusts me." <em>At least, he did.</em></p><p>"John is the most secretive person I know, especially when it comes to his family. It's a big deal for him to talk about them. Hell, all I know about them I've known from Hercules. As you must know, they never were supportive in any way, and that's where Hercules stepped in. He'll never admit it, but Hercules is both a father and a brother to him. And once he finds out, you better not let him find you."</p><p>"Ange, you're scaring him." Reprimanded Eliza.</p><p>"Good." She retorted. "He better be scared."</p><p>He sighed. "For the record, I'm not. But I'll give John as much time and space as he needs. Besides," he stood up. "I first have to make sure I still have a place to stay."</p><p>"You can crash at mine if he kicks you out." Suggested Eliza with a small smile.</p><p>"Thanks, 'Liza. But I do hope it won't come to that."</p><p>"Be careful, Alexander." Said Angelica as he approached the door. "It seems you meant to John more than you thought you did. Don't push him."</p><p>He thought of how miserable John had looked when he'd opened the door to his room. He thought of how furious he was when he had his reckoning. "I don't think there's anything to push, Angelica. I fear this time I fucked it up irretrievably."</p><p>She stared at him, silent. "Do you want to fix it?"</p><p>"He doesn't want to see me, let alone <em>talk </em>to me-"</p><p>"I'm not asking about John. I'm asking about you. Do you, Alexander Hamilton, want to make things right?"</p><p>He thought of John's smile, his laugh, and how good it felt to be the reason behind either of them. How passionate, how unshakable and stubborn John was when it came to his beliefs. How, ever since chance had put John on his path, he had been inevitably doomed to fall for him, in every single way imaginable.</p><p>He didn't want to make things right. He <em>needed </em>to.</p><p>"I do." He replied. Angelica smiled softly.</p><p>"Then wait, Alexander."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love Angelica with all my heart, can you tell?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander nervously shifted from one foot to another as he stared at the door in front of him.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe I should leave. Wait, like Angelica said.</em>
</p><p>It would have been useless to deny that, after three weeks, he was officially tired of waiting.</p><p>He took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.</p><p>
  <em>Here goes nothing.</em>
</p><p>A tired-looking Hercules opened the door, a polite smile on his face. Apparently, Epicurus was right all along: Alexander's countless prayers for John to open the door had gone blatantly ignored by the gods.</p><p>Hercules' expression fell immediately when Alexander stutteringly greeted him. He swiftly attempted to shut the door in his face, but Alexander stopped him just in time, placing a hand on the door. "Let me in, Herc, please. I need to talk to him. Hell, I'd settle with seeing him without saying a word, please let me in."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Please, Herc, help a friend out, won't you?" Alexander smiled awkwardly.</p><p>"You see, Hamilton," Alexander almost flinched at how the name, so unfamiliar on his friend's tongue, was spat with such bitterness and coldness. "That's where you're wrong. We're not friends, not anymore. Not after you fucked my brother, your best friend, and left. Hell, I'm sure you did the same with Jefferson, didn't you? You got what you wanted, and then you vanished into thin air. Didn't you?"</p><p>Alexander stared wordlessly at the ground. Of course, he had.</p><p>It's not like what had happened with Thomas had meant much to him anyway. But John, he was a whole different story. Hercules <em>had </em>to know that, right?</p><p>"I thought so. But you see, loverboy, John isn't Thomas."</p><p>"You think I don't know-"</p><p>"Save it." Hercules interrupted him. "I don't want to hear whatever poor excuse you made up on the way here. You know, Thomas may be okay with a one-time thing, but John? John had feelings for you, he fucking <em>told you </em><em>th</em>at, and you just left. You had your chance on a goddamn silver platter, and you blew it. Want to know something? I don't care about that- at all. What I care about is John and his wellbeing. I want him to be <em>happy</em>. But he can't seem to do that if you're involved."</p><p>Alexander felt like the world was steadily tumbling over him.</p><p>"If you care about him at all, if you ever cared about him, you'll realize the best thing you can do is make sure he can move on and find someone brave enough to love him. And we both know you lack in that department."</p><p>How could he disagree with that logic? He was much less than what John deserved, and he would never be even remotely close to what was best for him, but he longed for a possibility to try to become as close as he could to what John wanted.</p><p>But it seemed like John didn't want him now, did he?</p><p>"Since you don't seem to care much about John's sake, keep this in mind - for your own. Let this be the last time I see you, or so help me God, you'll be crawling back home by the time I'm through with you."</p><p>Hercules slammed the door in his face, and Alexander fell to his knees. He sat down with his back to the door and closed his eyes. Suddenly, he remembered the last time he had sat there.</p><p>He and John had gone to get a few drinks, which had turned into many more, celebrating nothing in particular. Alexander had walked him home, only to find out John had forgotten his keys inside. After laughing about it for a good few minutes and sending Hercules texts that were left unread, the two had sat down side by side with their backs to the door. Alexander didn't remember exactly why they started singing. He couldn't recall whether they wanted to get Hercules' attention, or they were singing just for the hell of it. What he did remember was how they sat there, shoulders touching, yelling the lyrics to Dire Straits' <em>Romeo and Juliet</em>, occasionally fighting over which word or sentence came first. Eventually, their terrible singing had woken Hercules up. He hastily pulled them both inside and hushed them. The two couldn't stop laughing. Alexander ended up walking home by himself, hands stuffed in his pockets, the image of John smiling at him as he sang stuck in his head.</p><p>They were so happy back then. Then, all of a sudden, they weren't.</p><p>All because of him.</p><p>He stepped away from the door and started mindlessly walking. He dialed a number on his phone.</p><p>"I need your help." He started. "Herc wouldn't let me in-"</p><p>"Told you he wouldn't."</p><p>"You're my last hope."</p><p>A few moments passed.</p><p>"Meet me in ten minutes."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, I enjoy writing cliffhangers, sue me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: overdose. I'm not sure how they work so this may not be completely accurate, but if it's a triggering subject, please skip this chapter. Nobody dies, don't worry. I know I make these boys suffer too much, I'm sorry, I realized writing angst is fun and I couldn't stop. Oops.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander opened the door to his house and sighed as he threw his keys on the nearest table.</p><p>"Go ahead," he said, spotting Lafayette sitting on the couch, arms crossed on his chest. "Let it out."</p><p>"I told you so."</p><p>"Laf, you know me, you can't expect me to sit around and wait. I have to try and make things right."</p><p>"I do know you, Alexander, but I also know Hercules very well. Whoever hurts John gets on his blacklist, no matter who they are. He's not going to listen, not now, not ever."</p><p>"You did."</p><p>To say Lafayette was furious when Alexander had knocked on his door after visiting Angelica was an understatement. He had stared at him for a good few minutes, arms crossed on his chest, a stern expression on his face.</p><p>"<em>I'm going to pack my bags</em>." Alexander had said. Lafayette had laughed.</p><p>"<em>I thought you knew me, Alexander. Do you seriously think you can get away with what you did without a little reckoning? You have five minutes</em>."</p><p>Alexander had tilted his head in confusion.</p><p>"<em>Get inside and start talking. I know you well enough to feel like there's something you're hiding</em>."</p><p>And he did. When he finished, he got up and headed towards his room. "<em>I'll be out in ten minutes</em>."</p><p>"<em>Sit down, Alexander</em>." Lafayette had replied. "<em>I'm not going to leave you out in the streets. I can tell you feel awful about what you did - as you should</em>."</p><p>"<em>I should talk to him</em>."</p><p>"<em>Not yet. It's too soon, besides Hercules won't let you near him. He's like a bear in these situations. What you should do now is wait</em>."</p><p>In hindsight, he should have waited longer.</p><p>"I listened because my main concern is to always get the full story before jumping to conclusions. Hercules' main concern is John, which is why he won't listen to you for now. Wait until John is ready to see you, only then you'll be able to talk to him."</p><p>Alexander was a man of many talents. Waiting was not one of them. And yet, for John, he was willing to make an effort. Everyone else seemed to believe he could wait, and he knew he could.</p><p>Not knowing whether John was willing to wait for him too was, in the very least, haunting.</p><p>He was in desperate need of a distraction. He couldn't stand keeping on simmering in his regrets any longer. Fingers itching to <em>do</em>, he sat down at his desk and turned on his computer, deciding to start working on his assignments to keep his head occupied.</p><p>Falling asleep at an ungodly hour with his head on his desk felt almost familiar.</p><hr/><p>A month had passed after Alexander's visit.</p><p>Despite Hercules' initial worries, John looked like he was handling it all quite well. Throughout the first week after The Incident, he had been utterly miserable. Hercules hadn't said a word - he couldn't exactly blame him. A feeling that John would have got worse had taken a steady place in the back of his mind.</p><p>He could say with utmost certainty he hadn't expected John to act like nothing had happened less than a week later.</p><p>He started attending all of his classes again - except law, quite obviously. The only downside was they had somewhat stopped seeing Lafayette, or at least not as often as they used to, for considerably clear reasons. John gradually went back to going out, apparently having met new people in one of his classes. Hercules had no idea who they were. He couldn't help but notice and appreciate how John would rarely come home heavily intoxicated.</p><p>That used to happen at first, at least.</p><p>Lately, Hercules had noticed John had gone back to his habit of drinking more than he should have. He didn't comment at first, not wanting to upset or anger his friend, fearing he would push him away once again.</p><p>Until, one day, John called him in the middle of the night, his voice hushed and slurred.</p><p>"John? Are you okay?"</p><p>"Herc, my bridge over troubled water!"</p><p>"John, it's three in the morning, what's going on?"</p><p>He went quiet for a moment. "I miss him."</p><p>Hercules sighed. "I know, John, but you know what he did-"</p><p>"I don't care!" He yelled. "I miss him. It's been almost two months, and I miss him."</p><p>"You're way too drunk. Where are you? I'm coming to get you."</p><p>John laughed dryly. "Joke's on you, Herc, I'm not drunk. High as a kite 's what I am."</p><p>"I thought you had quit smoking."</p><p>"You don't smoke <em>heroin</em>, silly."</p><p>Hercules felt his blood run cold. "Where the fuck are you, I'm coming right now. The hell do you think you're doing, man? That stuff's dangerous."</p><p>John quickly slurred an address. "Dangerous or not, it’s wonderful if you don’t want to think. I finally wasn't thinking about him, you know? For the first time in weeks, in <em>months</em>, I wasn't thinking of him. But then I saw someone who looked like him, and it all came back."</p><p>"Stay where you are, John, I'm coming to get you."</p><p>"Hurry up, won't you? I don't feel so-" John stopped speaking.</p><p>"John, are you there? John? John!"</p><p>Hercules hung up with shaking hands. He tried not to think of the worst, but the situation was clear enough. His first instinct was to call 911, his fingers moving almost on autopilot. His eyes filled with tears, and he found himself praying. He had never been particularly religious, and yet here he was, voice trembling as he spoke to the first response worker, praying he wasn't too late.</p><hr/><p>Lafayette was peacefully sleeping when his phone started buzzing. He begrudgingly snatched it from his drawer and quickly read the ID caller before answering it.</p><p>"Herc, what the fuck?"</p><p>"Laf, we need to talk."</p><p>"It's four in the morning, can't it wait?"</p><p>"No. It's about John."</p><p>Lafayette sat upright, only now noticing how choked up his friend's voice sounded. Hercules was known for being always calm and collected, but right now? He was unfamiliarly anxious. "What's going on?"</p><p>"He's been hanging out with new kids, doin' weird stuff, I-"</p><p>"Hercules." He barked, a feeling of worry rising in his chest. "What happened?"</p><p>Hercules took a deep breath. "We were talking on the phone when he overdosed. He's already in the hospital, they say he's stable, but he's not waking up. I need you here, or I think I'll go crazy." He hung up, leaving Lafayette sitting on his bed, shock having woken him up completely.</p><p>His hands started shaking as he desperately tried to wrap his head around the reason behind John's behavior. He chuckled dryly, voice wet as tears filled his eyes.</p><p>
  <em>He's in the other room, the reason.</em>
</p><p>He quickly got dressed, grabbed his keys, and headed for the front door. He wasn't expecting to find Alexander leaning on the kitchen counter with an empty mug in his hands. He turned on the light when he saw him.</p><p>"Where are you going? Why are you awake?" He asked, clearly confused.</p><p>Lafayette took a deep breath, his voice shaking as he spoke.</p><p>"John overdosed, he's in the hospital. Hercules needs me there."</p><p>Alexander grew impossibly pale as he dropped his cup, the loud crash making Lafayette flinch.</p><p>"I'm coming with you."</p><p>"Don't make this worse, Alexander. You know Hercules-"</p><p>"I could care less!" He yelled. "I have to see him." His hands started fidgeting, his breath growing erratic as he visibly panicked.</p><p>"You will. Soon." Said Lafayette, placing his hand on his shoulder. "I'll keep you posted and try to work on Hercules. You just need to wait a little more."</p><p>He smiled shakily and left without another word.</p><p>Alexander fell to his knees almost immediately after the front door closed.</p><p>"Not again, please, not again." He whispered, his hands joint in prayer. He remembered how, the last time he’d prayed, it was during a very similar situation, as he waited outside a hospital room praying for his mom to wake up. He found himself haunted by the possibility of never seeing John do all the little things that had made him fall for him. He might have never seen John's face as he talked about whatever he thought Alexander would want to know, or John's smile, almost always followed by a roll of his eyes at whatever it was that Alexander had said in an attempt to make him laugh. He couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again, the unapologetic, genuine version of John Laurens that he had been so lucky to have known.</p><p>As these thoughts ran through his mind, he couldn't hold back tears any longer.</p><p>He yelled in desperation, clutching his head in his hands. About five minutes after Lafayette had left, he decided he had waited long enough.</p><p>He had never been much of a man of patience, and he wasn't going to start acting like one now.</p><p>He grabbed his keys and left in a hurry, almost running to the hospital.</p><p>
  <em>If you're up there, whoever you are, I'm begging you, bring him home to me.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Again, I cried too. You have permission to yell at me in the comments.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander burst in through the doors of the hospital, breathless and disheveled. He approached the nurses at the desk and asked about John's room. He sprinted towards the elevators, opting for the stairs to get there as fast as he could.</p>
<p>Outside John's room, Hercules and Lafayette were talking to Angelica. They all looked so miserable, especially Hercules. It was clear he'd been crying and nervously running his hands through his hair. He was twisting his fingers and worrying his bottom lip, while Lafayette soothingly rubbed his forearm, and Angelica attempted to reassure them.</p>
<p>When they saw him, all hell broke loose.</p>
<p>Hercules charged him and pushed him against a wall.</p>
<p>"Don't you even think about going in there, you hear me? Don't even think about it!"</p>
<p>Lafayette pulled him away, holding him back as he struggled against his grip.</p>
<p>"What the fuck is he doing here, Laf?"</p>
<p>"Alexander, I thought I had made it clear you had to wait."</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Hercules' eyebrows shot up. "Excuse me?"</p>
<p>"I said," Alexander stepped away from the wall. "I'm going in there, and you're going to have to drag me out of that goddamn room if you have a problem with it."</p>
<p>"I gotta hand it to you, boy, you got some nerve."</p>
<p>"You have to let me do this, Herc."</p>
<p>He looked at him challengingly. "I don't owe you shit."</p>
<p>"We both know he'd want me there."</p>
<p>"You're the reason he was doing drugs! He wouldn't want you there, Hamilton. He'd want you dead."</p>
<p>"Hercules." Reprimanded Lafayette. "That's too far."</p>
<p>"Is it?" He shrugged his arms away but didn't approach Alexander. "You're the reason this happened. You can go in there - over my dead body."</p>
<p>"Enough." Barked Angelica, intimidating and stern enough to shut them all up. "Hercules, you have to stop acting like you own John. Alexander fucked up big time, and he knows. He wants to make things right eventually, but his priority right now is seeing his best friend, who's in a coma, and you can't stop him. I can't let you stop him."</p>
<p>Hercules stared at him for a few moments. "You have five minutes."</p>
<p>"He has as long as he needs. You don't make the rules around here, I do." Replied Angelica.</p>
<p>Alexander ran into the room without another word, ignoring the little banter that had started. He stopped in his tracks at the sight of John's pale face. He looked so small, surrounded by machines and IV's, and yet he looked peaceful, almost content.</p>
<p>"Hi, Jackie." He whispered, sitting down near him, eyes glistening with tears. "I missed you." He almost expected John to wake up and reply with his usual sarcasm and wit, tell him he had missed him too, or even yell at him to leave. He longed to hear his voice one more time.</p>
<p>"You know, I survived a hurricane once, and yet you're what swooped me off my feet. You changed me. You made me a better man, Jackie, there's no denying that." He smiled, tears beginning to fall. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. But you see, I have this talent. I tend to hurt everyone around me and ruin everything. I couldn't let that happen with <em>you</em>, Jack. Everyone but you. I tried to convince myself I was doing it to help you so that you wouldn't waste your time over me. Truthfully, I was selfish. I didn't want to see the day you'd eventually realize I'm not worth it. But I broke your heart, and you probably realized that now, don't you?" He took his hand, barely holding back the tears. "Come back to me, Jackie, I lost my mother to that stuff, I refuse to lose you too. You come back, you hear me? If not for me, come back for those two who would do everything not to have me here. Come back for your family."</p>
<p>He wiped at his eyes, laughing wetly. "I need you here, Jackie, please. Come home."</p>
<p>He got up and made his way to the door.</p>
<p>"And here I thought you weren't good at apologizing, Alex."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“And here I thought you weren't good at apologizing, Alex."<br/><br/>Alexander stopped dead in his tracks, the raspy but familiar voice making him quickly turn around. <br/><br/>John smiled sheepishly at him, clearly exhausted. "What happened?" He whispered, eyes bleary. <br/><br/>Hercules, Lafayette, and Angelica ran inside the room before Alexander could reply. John visibly lit up, Angelica quickly checking his vitals while Hercules sat by the bad, cursing at him and smiling as his eyes filled with tears. Lafayette was by his side as well, kissing his forehead and whispering something in French that Alexander didn’t try to understand. <br/><br/>He headed towards the door when John softly spoke. "Stay." Alexander turned around to face the bed. "I'm still pissed, and we still need to talk, but I want you here." Alexander smiled as he approached the bed, eyes glistening with tears. He hesitantly stood by the bed, subtly eyeing Hercules. He rolled his eyes and squeezed John's hand once more before getting up, Lafayette following behind, and giving them some space. Angelica quickly scolded John before leaving, clapping Alexander's shoulder on her way to the door. <br/><br/>Alexander hesitantly smiled before dropping on the chair next to the bed and taking John's hand, tears falling freely on his face. John chuckled and squeezed his hand as Alexander whispered a chant of apologies.<br/><br/>"I'm okay, Alex, no need to cry. It's not a good look on you, anyway." Alexander chuckled breathily, hastily wiping at his eyes.<br/><br/>"I'm so sorry."<br/><br/>"I know."<br/><br/>"You should rest, and maybe we can talk when you wake up." He said, tone hesitant and questioning.<br/><br/>"Depends," replied John, "Will you be here?"<br/><br/>Alexander smiled. "For as long as you'll have me."<br/><br/>John closed his eyes, a hint of a smile on his face. "Careful, Alexander. Might decide to keep you 'round forever just to spite you."<br/><br/>Alexander realized he wouldn't have minded at all.<br/><br/>John fell back asleep before he could come up with a reply. He let go of his hand and sat back on the chair.<br/><br/>"I feel like we should talk too." Said Hercules from the other side of the room. Alexander looked back at John's relaxed face as he slept.<br/><br/>"Later." He nodded. "I have to stay here now."<br/><br/>"You both should go home and sleep. I know you haven't slept properly in months, Alexander. You could use some rest." Suggested Lafayette.<br/><br/>"I'm staying."<br/><br/>Lafayette shrugged. "I can see there’s no point arguing. At least drink some water every few hours." Alexander nodded absentmindedly, making Lafayette chuckle. He headed towards the door, motioning Hercules to follow him.<br/><br/>"It seems John wants to reconcile with Alexander." He stated.<br/><br/>Hercules sighed. "It does. But Angelica's right, I don't own John. He can make his own decisions, and I'll support him no matter what. Besides," he looked back to the room, where Alexander was half asleep, his head on the bed near John's arm. "I think Alexander was for real, don't you?"<br/><br/>Lafayette snorted. "Alexander's helplessly in love with our boy, Herc. He can't quite see it yet, but feel like he's getting closer."<br/><br/>"Think they'll work it out?"<br/><br/>Lafayette smiled. "I do. It might take some time, but they'll work it out. The real question is, John definitely will forgive Alexander, but will you?"<br/><br/>"There must be a reason both you and John trust him so much, and if he proves he truly wants to make things right, then yes, I will."<br/><br/>"Well," he smiled. "That's a start."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John got better pretty quickly, soon gaining color and feeling strong enough to get up and stand on his own. In the meantime, Hercules and Lafayette came and went, visiting John every time they could in between classes and shifts.</p><p>Alexander had stubbornly stayed by John's side. Angelica found herself forced to kick him out of John's room every night, and he would never go without a fight. He had called in sick at work for the first time since he was employed - his manager had been genuinely worried about him. At some point, John had asked him about his classes. He had waved dismissively.</p><p>"I'll miss a couple of days, who cares."</p><p>John had tilted his head. "Are you possessed or something?"</p><p>Alexander had scoffed while John had raised his hands defensively. "It was a fair question, I've seen you show up to class half dead. I've had to <em>drag </em>your sick ass home on multiple occasions."</p><p>"That happened once."</p><p>"I'm pretty sure it was at least three."</p><p>"Not the point." Had said Alexander, looking to the side in embarrassment. "I guess I just needed a good reason to skip class."</p><p>John smiled softly. "What's Washington going to say now that his favorite student isn't showing up?"</p><p>"He said, and I quote, to only come back once I'm sure you're okay."</p><p>"You <em>told </em>him?"</p><p>Alexander shrugged. "Well, yeah. We're both not going to show up for a while, and I thought he'd want to know why."</p><p>"But what about your grades? I don't want you to risk losing your scholarship."</p><p>"I won't," Alexander smirked. "Washington's turning a blind eye."</p><p>"Teacher's pet."</p><p>"I've earned that title, I'm proud of it." John laughed. Alexander felt like he could fly.</p><p>John's confused voice snapped him back into reality. "Why are you looking at me like that?"</p><p>Alexander shook his head slightly, mumbling something that remotely sounded like "nothing." John smiled to himself.</p><p>
  <em>It's going to be okay.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>John had been trying to find a possible explanation for weeks now.</p><p>He had gotten discharged about a month prior, and things had started to go back to normal.</p><p>For the most part, that is.</p><p>He'd been going back to class - he had even started paying attention to those classes he didn't use to attend. He had cut back on drinking, at least for the time being. He had started hanging out with Lafayette and Hercules again, after what had seemed like centuries.</p><p>Still, he felt like one thing was missing.</p><p>He had picked up pretty quickly on the fact that Alexander was avoiding him. Every time they tried to include him in anything, he'd make excuses. John knew him well enough to detect his lies easily. Those few times he <em>had </em>agreed to meet up, he had acted distant and cold, so different from how he used to be before <em>everything</em> happened.</p><p>John longed for their friendship to go back the way it was. Truthfully, he found himself missing Alexander, despite he often was right there with him.</p><p>One night - or morning, mostly - he had just woken up for an early run when his brain decided to throw caution out the window. He started typing on autopilot.</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:10 am]: you up?</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:10 am]: fuck that came out wrong</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:11 am]: still, are you awake?</p><p>from: Alex</p><p>[3:14 am]: no I'm sleeping I promise</p><p>He rolled his eyes. Of course, Alexander was awake, he hadn't reminded him he had to sleep. He realized he hadn't done that in a while. He was proud enough not to admit he missed that little routine of theirs.</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:16 am]: you dipshit you should sleep</p><p>from: Alex</p><p>[3:17 am]: you're awake too you hypocrite</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:17 am]: I just woke up, I <em>slept</em></p><p>from: Alex</p><p>[3:18 am]: so did I for like half an hour but w h y did you wake up so early</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:19 am]: morning run</p><p>from: Alex</p><p>[3:19 am]: again, w h y</p><p>to: Alex</p><p>[3:19 am]: come with, and you'll see</p><p>He stared at his screen for a few moments.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck it.</em>
</p><p>He started typing.</p>
<hr/><p>from: Jackie</p><p>[3:20 am]: we kind of need to talk anyway</p><p>Alexander took a deep breath, attempting to calm his raging nerves. Truthfully, he had been freaking out ever since John had texted him, and had proceeded to spend a few minutes pretending he hadn't noticed the notification. He had never felt so pathetic in his life.</p><p>
  <em>You've waited long enough, Hamilton. There's your chance.</em>
</p><p>to: Jackie</p><p>[3:21 am]: we do, give me thirty minutes</p><p>to: Jackie</p><p>[3:22 am]: see you in a bit jackie</p><p>He smiled and sat back in his chair.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe this time, you can make it right.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See? I told you it would get better!</p><p>And it will, eventually...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander rubbed at his eyes, stifling a yawn as he walked to John's house, wondering why he had agreed to leave his house so early.</p><p>
  <em>You acted like a dick and broke his heart, so now you're about to beg for his forgiveness, remember?</em>
</p><p>Right, that.</p><p>He pulled his hood up to shield himself from the cold and kept walking, picking up his pace slightly.</p><p>John was already waiting for him, sitting on the sidewalk as he nodded along to whatever song he was listening to. If it wasn't for the last strand of pride he had left, Alexander would have gladly stood there in silence, watching him get lost in his music - instead, he approached him and waved at him awkwardly. John stood up and took out his headphones.</p><p>Alexander spoke almost immediately. "Just so you know, I'm not running."</p><p>John threw his head back in laughter. "Lazy ass. Why'd you come if you didn't want to run?"</p><p><em>Because I wanted to see you, you idiot. </em>Alexander shrugged sheepishly. "My assignments are so boring this week, they're not worth the sleep I lose working on them. I'd rather be doing anything else.”</p><p>John snorted. “Never thought I’d see the day you prioritized anything else over your work.” He looked at him pensively for a few moments. “How’s your girlfriend?”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“You know, Angelica’s sister? Elizabeth?”</p><p>Alexander laughed. “<em>Eliza</em>? She’s not my girlfriend, we work together. Where did you get that crazy-ass idea?”</p><p>John shrugged. “You two looked pretty close when I last saw you. You know, when-” he trailed off, staring at the ground. Alexander sighed.</p><p>“We really should talk.” John nodded. "I'll start." He held his gaze and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why have you been avoiding me?"</p><p>Alexander scoffed. "That's not what I've been doing."</p><p>"You know I can tell when you're lying, right?"</p><p>"Exactly, which is why I'm not lying. I wasn't avoiding you - I was giving you space. Waiting, like everyone else has been telling me to do for weeks now."</p><p>"Waiting for what, exactly? Because the way I see it, you're hiding. Even better, running away. Again."</p><p>Alexander took a deep breath. "Alright, I have to do this right. I never meant to hurt you, Jack. I was scared and selfish. I was afraid you'd end up realizing what a waste of time it all had been, what a waste of time <em>I </em>had been, and I was too selfish to expose myself to the possibility of seeing you walk away from me."</p><p>"And you didn't think it was <em>my </em>choice to make?"</p><p>"I was impulsive and overall incredibly stupid, I know. I hoped that, if I gave you space to think, you'd forgive me."</p><p>John stared him down. "We both know you were forgiven the minute you ran into that hospital room and started talking my ear off."</p><p>Alexander chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging slightly. "I talk a lot when I'm nervous."</p><p>"You talk a lot, period." Alexander shoved him lightly as John laughed. "Stop hurting my feelings, I'm sensitive."</p><p>"You couldn't be even if you tried." Alexander laughed, but John grew serious as he spoke again. "Although, we also both know that forgiveness isn't all you're looking for, is it?"</p><p>Alexander's breath hitched as he held John's gaze, and he smiled softly. "No point in lying, right?"</p><p>"Damn right, I know you too well."</p><p>"Look, Jackie, I fucked up. Big time. But give me a chance to make it up to you." He took his hand, a hopeful smile on his face. "Give <em>us </em>a chance-"</p><p>John retracted his hand. "Alexander."</p><p>Alexander nodded thoughtfully. "It's too late, isn't it?"</p><p>"No, Alex, it's just-" John took a deep breath. "Whoever it is that told you I need time was right, but I also need my best friend. I <em>miss you</em>, Alex, and you're right here with me. I don't want to feel like that. The feelings I had aren't gone. But, for now, I need to press pause on <em>us</em>. I know it's selfish of me to ask you to wait around for me, and I can't expect you to do that-"</p><p>"I'll wait. You know damn well I will, Jackie. I just need a favor, though."</p><p>"What is it?"</p><p>Alexander smiled forcibly. "Just... if you find someone else in the meantime, let me know, alright? As selfish as that is, and as awkward as that conversation will be, it's all I ask of you. I'll wait, but I need you to be honest with me."</p><p>"Alex, there's no one else-"</p><p>"For now, there isn't. You're a once in a lifetime type of deal, Jackie. I wouldn't be surprised if someone noticed. Hell, I should have realized way sooner." He turned around, heading towards his house.</p><p>"Alexander, please."</p><p>"It's okay." He smiled, facing him again. "I'll be here. You need a break, I understand that. You need me to be your friend, I'll be your friend. And if you ever find yourself wanting more, I'll be waiting, Jackie."</p><p>"I just need some time to think-"</p><p>"I know, and I get it. It's okay." He nodded, almost as if he was trying to convince both of them that the statement was true.</p><p>“I’m sorry for breaking your nose.” Alexander chuckled.</p><p>“I broke your heart, we’re even.” Alexander smiled. "Take care, Jackie. I'll see you around."</p><p>He turned around and walked away, leaving John helplessly wondering why doing what he had convinced himself was the right thing felt so wrong.</p>
<hr/><p>Alexander was sulking.</p><p>He'd tried to convince himself he wasn't, but he was past pretending to have any dignity left.</p><p>Dignity's for cowards, anyway.</p><p>So there he was, sprawled out on his couch, nursing a beer while Lafayette, who had just woken up, tried to cheer him up.</p><p>"Alexander, stop sulking. You've been in that spot for an hour now."</p><p>"What time is it?"</p><p>"Almost 5 am."</p><p>Alexander shrugged and took another sip of his beer. "Look," started Lafayette. "I get that you're sad, but look at the bright side. He did say his feelings were still there, right? He just needs time."</p><p>"What if his prince charming comes around during said time?" He stared at an unfocused spot in front of him. "I'm going to die alone."</p><p>Lafayette scoffed. "No, you're not. Look, I know John very well, Alexander. What he feels for you is different. Trust me, he'll come around."</p><p>"I should just embrace it, I'm dying alone. I can buy a cat and call it Mark."</p><p>"Mark?"</p><p>"Like Mark Knopfler, from Dire Straits."</p><p>"Not you too with that old people crap." Alexander threw a pillow at him. "Just call it Philip. Philip Hamilton sounds badass."</p><p>Before Alexander could agree that Philip Hamilton did, in fact, sound badass, a knock on the door interrupted their conversation.</p><p>"Do you know who could be here so late? Or, so early, for that matter?"</p><p>Lafayette shook his head no and shrugged. Alexander got up and opened the door, confusion evident in his expression as he stared at the face in front of him.</p><p>"John?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I swear I'm done with the sad shit.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"John?"</p><p>He looked panicked. His hair was messy - like he'd been running his hands through it, and his foot was nervously tapping on the ground as his hands shook slightly.</p><p>"Are you-"</p><p>"I'm tired of waiting."</p><p>Alexander hated how clichè that sounded, but he swears that when John pulled him in and kissed him, all he could think was that, maybe, quite definitely, this is what it feels like to come home.</p><p>"Alexander, who is it- Not in front of Laf, boys! Have some decency!"</p><p>They pulled apart as John burst out laughing, while Alexander grew beet red and let his head fall on John's shoulder.</p><p>"Laf, I'm pretty sure you killed Alex. You did cook his face a bit." Alexander glared at him and punched his arm lightly.</p><p>"Come in, Jackie. Laf and I were having a beer."</p><p>"Good job, Alexander, skillfully exclude the part where you sulk over our dear John and force me to listen to your lovesick rambling."</p><p>Alexander stared at him in a mix of anger and shock as John scoffed in amusement.</p><p>"Anyways, I'm staying at Hercules'. I'll see you boys tomorrow."</p><p>"You're leaving?"</p><p>Lafayette stared at him. "I'm sure you two will have plenty of fun even if I'm not around - especially so."</p><p>Alexander scoffed. "Just get out, you weirdo." John and Lafayette both laughed, and he quickly left. As soon as he was gone, Alexander turned back to John.</p><p>"So," he said, "any ideas on what we can-"</p><p>John cut him off with a kiss. "You do a whole lot of talking, don't you?"</p><p>"This is better than talking, anyway."</p><hr/><p>The plan was easy.</p><p>Alexander would get up, make a huge breakfast, and bring it to John.</p><p>A big, romantic gesture, right?</p><p>When he stepped into the kitchen, he saw Lafayette and Hercules eating at the table. "What are you two doing here?"</p><p>"Hercules' fridge was empty, ours wasn't, and we were hungry."</p><p>Alexander nodded. "Good point." He headed towards the stove and started moving around the kitchen. He could feel Hercules' gaze fixated on him, and as much as he tried to ignore it, the uneasiness of it quickly became too much.</p><p>"Just say it, Herc."</p><p>"I didn't do anything."</p><p>"You're staring at me so hard I can feel it." He turned around to face him. "What is it?"</p><p>"You do know we're going to talk, yes?"</p><p>"I... expected so, yes."</p><p>"I got a question for you first, though."</p><p>"Hit me."</p><p>"What the fuck are you doing?"</p><p>Alexander furrowed his brow in confusion and opened his arms, vaguely pointing at his surroundings. "I'm making breakfast."</p><p>Hercules nodded thoughtfully as Lafayette barely held his laughter in. "You know, that's cute, it really is, but let me get this straight." Hercules pointed at him with his fork. "You woke up before him, John's still asleep, right? So when he wakes up, he's not going to find you there because you're here. Now, doesn't that sound a little fucking familiar?"</p><p>Alexander stared at him, realization dawning on his face, and he eloquently said: "Fuck." He turned towards John's room, as Lafayette finally burst out laughing, and Hercules shook his head amusedly. Before Alexander could run back into the room, the door opened to a very tired looking John.</p><p>"Baby I'm so sorry, I didn't-"</p><p>John waved his hand dismissively as he approached the table. "It's okay, Alex. You're here, that's what matters." He walked past him after swiftly kissing his cheek and getting the coffee started, leaving Alexander standing there in silence, a dope smile on his face.</p><p>"Get a grip, Hamilton. It's bad enough I have to see you two being so disgustingly domestic." Hercules grumbled, yelping when Lafayette elbowed him in the ribs.</p><p>"You sound like my grandma, Herc." Retorted John, sipping on his coffee and handing Alexander a second cup.</p><p>"What Hercules is trying to say is," added Lafayette, glaring at Hercules, "we're both happy for you."</p><p>John smiled. "Thank you." He turned to Alexander. "Do you have any plans for the day?"ù</p><p>Alexander smiled back. "You tell me, Jackie, do I?"</p><p>"You do, actually." Hercules stood up. "Ley's have a walk."</p><p>John groaned. "Herc, can you not?"</p><p>"It's alright. Besides, it's not like I don't deserve it." He smiled reassuringly, and John pulled him in for a long kiss.</p><p>"Seriously?" Hercules cried as John started laughing. Alexander feigned annoyance as he spoke. "So is that all this is? Just another way to annoy Hercules?"</p><p>"I mean, that's an upside, yes." Alexander laughed and grabbed a sweater sitting on the couch before following Hercules outside. As soon as they were out the door, Hercules spoke up.</p><p>"John told me about your conversation."</p><p>Alexander nodded. "Should have known he would have."</p><p>"I'm not going to lie, Alexander. I'm not quite sure your little speech convinced me. Still, I trust John's judgment. If he thinks you're for real, then I'll give you a chance. Slip up once, and I swear you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Consider yourself warned."</p><p>"I can't promise I won't make mistakes - I know myself too well for that." Alexander took a deep breath. "It's pretty clear that relationships aren't my strong suit, but I'll try to make him happy, Herc. As long as he keeps me around, I'll try to do right by him."</p><p>Hercules smiled. "Don't go around telling people I'm saying this, but I misjudged you, Hamilton. I appreciate that you were willing to wait for John to be ready, that's not what most people would do. I can tell you care about him. But don't fuck it up."</p><p>"I’ll try not to."</p><p>Hercules clapped his shoulder. "Welcome to the family, kid."</p><p>Alexander smiled. <em>Family</em>. As they went back inside and John pretended to check for injuries, while Lafayette yelled in French at the TV for not working and Hercules fixed it, grumbling about how <em>without me this place would crumble</em>, Alexander thought again of how he'd found himself tangled in a little family that, for some unknown reason, they had let him in.</p><p>He had started counting all the gods he could possibly thank ever since John had stayed with him at the hospital, and he wasn't even nearly done.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love finally writing excessively protective Hercules and soft Alexander now that the pain has gone away.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alexander had never believed in luck.</p>
<p>He watched John as he comfortably moved around the kitchen of the house they had rented in the center of Paris. Lafayette had invited them all to spend some time in France with his family, and Alexander and John had decided to spend one week in the city by themselves before their friends arrived. John was dancing along to the radio, a familiar tune softly playing in the background. Their friends had desperately tried to understand their weird obsession with that one song.</p>
<p>"<em>What is it with you two and Dire Straits anyway?</em>" They had heard that question at least a dozen times in the two years they had been together, and each time they had laughed it off.</p>
<p>Nobody needed to know but them, after all.</p>
<p>As John softly hummed along to Romeo and Juliet, Alexander couldn't help but wonder how they had gotten there.</p>
<p>He thought back on how relieved and, frankly, quite surprised he'd been when John had breathily laughed and whispered, "<em>Yes, you idiot, I'll move in with you</em>."</p>
<p>Hercules had been furious.</p>
<p>"<em>No way in hell</em>." He had said. "<em>It's way too soon</em>."</p>
<p>"<em>Herc, it's been six months</em>."</p>
<p>"<em>Don't care, it's too soon</em>."</p>
<p>A half an hour-long phone call with Angelica had sufficed to knock sense into him.</p>
<p>"<em>How she does it, I'll never figure out</em>." Alexander had said later that night.</p>
<p>"<em>It's the fuckin' girl power, man</em>." Had retorted John, only mildly intoxicated after they had gone out celebrating.</p>
<p>He thought back on the first time John had told him he loved him. John had a particularly challenging exam scheduled, and he had been incredibly stressed all week. Alexander had been helping him, offering to help him revise and proofread his papers, besides dragging him to bed at a remotely acceptable hour. On the day of the exam, Alexander had made breakfast and coffee and had driven John to class while he talked his ear off with pep talks. He had waited outside for a couple hours and ran towards John as soon as he saw him come out, a tired smile spreading on his face. "<em>How did it go</em><em>?</em>" John had practically collapsed in his arms. "<em>Pretty well, I guess</em><em>.</em>" He'd completely aced it, the modest bastard. "<em>C'mon. Let's get you home</em>."</p>
<p>John had furrowed his brow. "<em>Don't you have work today</em>?" Alexander had shrugged. "<em>Took the day off, had to make sure you were okay</em>."</p>
<p>John had smiled and laid his head on his shoulder. "<em>I ever tell you how much I love you</em>?" He'd straightened up with the realization that he hadn't, in fact, ever told him. He'd started stuttering and murmuring an apology, only to get cut off by Alexander taking his hand. "<em>Of course</em> <em>I love you too, you idiot. </em><em>Now l</em><em>et's get you home, you need to sleep</em>."</p>
<p>John's smile was so genuine Alexander had felt his knees give out.</p>
<p>Truthfully, Alexander had grown to cherish every second they had spent together. He remembered every moment, every affectionate touch, every fight, always followed by a soft apology, every date, every holiday together, and all he could think of was <em>how in the hell did I get so lucky</em>.</p>
<p>And yet, he didn't think luck was what to thank.</p>
<p>He suddenly thought back of a theory of a Greek philosopher he had read about years ago, Democritus. He was the first to theorize the existence of atoms, and he believed they moved around space chaotically. When, eventually, they would collide, they'd create objects. Alexander had been particularly intrigued by his theory explaining how the atoms would meet.</p>
<p>He believed that two atoms found each other on the same path completely randomly and by chance, but after an initial aleatory moment, the collision was inevitable. It would happen by necessity, a concept that expressed inevitability, and how some things make no sense if they're not the way they are. Alexander had been incredibly fascinated by how an accident would develop into something inevitable, how chance would shift into necessity. He stared at John as he moved around the kitchen, relaxed and confident.</p>
<p>They had found each other that day at the cafè, they had initially been so hostile towards each other, by mere chance. All the time they had wasted, every mistake they had made, those were ruled by chance. But after that initial aleatory moment, necessity kicked in. It was by necessity that they had gravitated around each other for so long, lingering on the same path until the inevitable collision. It was the same process of necessity that had brought Alexander to start saving up, enough to afford the little velvety box that was sitting at the bottom of his suitcase, away from John's prying eyes. Necessity had him waiting, waiting for the moment to be right, for everyone else to be there with them, hopefully, to see John say yes.</p>
<p>As John laughed and waved his hand in front of his face to distract him from his thoughts, he couldn't help but smile and get up, poorly dancing to the music.</p>
<p>Whether he had to thank chance or necessity, Alexander wouldn't have it any other way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... this is it.<br/>I want to thank you, reader, for sticking with this story until the end, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.<br/>I want to thank my editor and best friend, CastielWho, for convincing me to start writing this, for always proofreading every chapter and for never giving up on me. Thank you for your constant support, without you I never would be here, half crying while writing the notes to the final chapter of my first big story.<br/>I want to thank my dumb brain, for coming up with this crazy idea at 2 am.<br/>I'm so emotional, I never thought I'd be finishing and publishing such a long fic.<br/>Also, let me know in the comments if you'd like to see Alexander actually proposing, I have an idea that I wouldn't mind putting out here.<br/>I barely know what to say, just... thank you, from the bottom of my heart.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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